2 Months Later...

Addison would be 2 months old today if she were here...
It seems so hard to believe that 2 months ago our baby girl was born. She changed our lives,and I will never forget the special time we had with her. I deeply miss her and long for heaven more and more each day. Addison was and is SUCH A HUGE BLESSING to me and Stephen, and we are so honored that God chose us to be her parents. She was just gorgeous..I loved every little detail about her. I feel blessed to have had such a beautiful baby girl. What a dream come true she was and is to me. I can not express what the last couple months have been like. It's just hard to believe that we are where we are today. With Addison being gone,it's been so hard for me to just "pick up" and start a new chapter of my life without her. She was my life for 9 months and 6 days...she was what I thought about daily. I thought of what she was going to be like,and what it would be like to be her Mommy. I'm so glad I was able to at least be able to see those two special things,and so much more. I got to see what she was like..just beautiful and I know what it was like to be her Mommy. It was amazing. It's something I will never forget. She is my special miracle baby,and I cherish every minute I had with her. Oh how I ache and long to see her again. The last couple months have held so much hurt,sadness and pain..but also much joy and excitement as we welcomed our baby girl into the world. I just wanted her to make it...I just thought "if only YOU would HEAL her God...she needs YOU Lord...please...please don't take my baby God...I am not ready to say bye.." It was during the week of Addison's life that I clung to the promise of the hope we have in Christ. I clung to Him and His will for our lives...I hoped for a different plan...but that's not what He wanted to happen. He had a better plan...He took her to be with Him because He loves her SO much that He wanted her to be with Him,and not here with us. He can care for her much better than we ever could. It's still hard to understand why He didn't just let us have her...but I know I can't lean on my own understanding,and that in all my ways I need to ackowledge Him,and He will give me the desires of my heart. After I realized that Addison was not going to make it (about mid week) I had a peace that God really had given me the desires of my heart. He allowed me to marry my Prince and to be a Mommy to a precious baby girl. I will never forget the day I told God that if it brought Him honor and glory to take my baby girl home to heaven that I would rest in knowing that His plan for my life is good,even though I knew it would be hard not to have her here. I told God in that hospital room while I was all alone that I really didn't want to walk this road,but it didn't seem like He had another way..and so I asked Him to give me the grace to do this...and I believe with all my heart that He alone has given me the grace I need to get through this. I'm not saying it's been easy..and that it's something that I've gotten over. It's very difficult,and is so hard not having her here..but God is really good to be here for me 24/7 and I know I can always tell Him about my hurt. He has really comforted me during this time as no one else can..and for that I am grateful. I don't derserve His love for me..and I don't deserve the grace He has shown me. I'm just a sinner saved by grace...and I'm trying to be faithful in all my ways to acknowlidge Him and His love for me. I am just wanting to do my best to serve Him faithfully until the glorious day He calls me home. I want Him to say of me, "well done thou good and faithful servant...well done." and I am looking forward to laying my crowns back at His feet...and then after I see Him face to face..I can't wait for Him to take me on the "grand tour" of heaven with Addison... That's something to look forward to...and I can't wait for that day. In the mean time..I have lots to do for Him. I have to pray every day that HE will give me the strength I need to get through the day and to serve Him faithfully even when it hurts and it's hard.. I am sad when I think of Addison not being here..and I'm still deeply hurting..but God in His mighty mercy and grace is helping to make this time of hurt and pain a sweet time of resting in Him... Please continue to pray for us..as I know you are. We really appreciate it! Continued emotional healing is of course a huge prayer request of ours..but I also need prayer for continued physical healing as well. The physical pain of recovery from a C-Section can seem unbearable to me sometimes..and then it makes my emotional pain stronger and harder to deal with. Please just pray that I wouldn't get discouraged when I hurt too badly to want to do anything...I am trying to lose all my pregnancy weight..and it's going to be a long and hard road...but I know I can do it all through Christ who strengthens me. Thank-you for praying for us daily...and thank-you for being such a blessing to us. We love you all..