Well, a LOT sure has happened since last time (at ~10 Months~) that I wrote on the blog. A lot of emotions (of every kind) to deal with in the last couple months. I really feel awful for not being able to "slow down" and take time to do the 11 month anniversary post and the 12 month anniversary post until now...but not only have I been really busy..I just haven't been able to find the words to say..because honestly I am at a loss..so I am going to TRY hard to catch you all up on what's going on..and TRY hard to find the words to say (since I'm not good with words). This is going to be a LONG one...buckle your seat belt. ;)
In the last post...I wrote about our journey of grief up until the 10th month,I wrote about a tax situation we were having with claiming Addison(like we were legally supposed to),and I wrote about being excited to become an Aunt for the first time,and how we were anxious to find out if we were having a niece or a nephew,and also being ready for Landon to be here healthy and safe.
Well.... I will get to the grief part of the post soon.. but I must report that the tax situation was worked out! The Lord IS faithful and answers prayers, and Addison's identity wasn't stolen, we were able to claim her (like we were legally supposed to do),and it was just a small online tax return mistake, and someone had accidentally entered their child's social wrong (so it looked like they were trying to claim Addison). Praise the LORD that it was all resolved! That was a long,scary and frustrating situation, but the Lord got us through it,and we are grateful.
NEXT...as many of you are well aware (and have seen many pictures!)We became the PROUD Aunt & Uncle to a NEPHEW, John Thomas Miller on February 28th 2011 at 11:57 p.m!!! He weighed 7lbs. 15 oz., and was 21 in. long. What an exciting,and special time for us to hold our HEALTHY nephew who we had prayed for and longed to see for 9 whole months. He is a miracle. The cord was wrapped around his neck when he was born and we are so thankful the doctor decided to do an emergency c-section to get him out sooner due to his heart rate suddenly dropping..and then after they got him out, they saw the cord around his neck and were relieved they got him when they did. We are thankful for the Lord's watch care and protection over John Thomas. We are very blessed to have him in our lives,and we don't know what we would do without him..he is just so wonderful..and so much of a blessing. We love that little guy to pieces,and can't get enough of him!!!:)
The next BIG event was the birth of our son, Landon Michael Deason! We are SO thrilled he is here healthy and safe,and we thank the Lord for him each day! As you all know (and have also seen MANY pictures!),Landon was born exactly 1 month after his cousin,John Thomas on March 28th 2011 at 5:38 p.m weighing 7lbs. 12oz. and was 21 in. long. He is also a miracle, and we are so very thankful and grateful for him. The Lord was watching out for him,and brought him to us safely. We are so thankful for the Lord's watch care and protection over him as well.
A couple months after losing Addison, we were very,very blessed to find out she would be a big sister in heaven, and we knew the whole 9 months of my pregnancy with Landon that the Lord had blessed us with yet another miracle..and we were thrilled. It wasn't until after Landon was born that we realized just how much of a huge miracle he really is... We found out during the C-Section that my uterus was so thin that the doctor could see Landon moving and his hair... They told us afterwards that it was a miracle my uterus didn't rupture earlier on in the pregnancy causing me to go in to labor sooner than 2 & 1/2 weeks early which could have caused Landon to die from the rupture. The doctor came to check on me the next day after Landon was born..he sat down at the foot of the bed next to me with tears in his eyes,choked up trying to find the words..he told me, "I'm so glad he is here..and he is healthy and safe.. I was really scared when I saw your uterus..and I am so glad that he made it the whole 9 months without a rupture. He is a miracle..." It was very devastating to hear the news about my uterus right after the joy of having a healthy baby..it's not something you want to think about...having to deal with the news that you might not be able to have any more children. Since Landon has been born..we have had to talk with the OB doctor and nurse,and also get 2 other opinions,and have had to pray a lot about our future regarding more children. The Lord has given us a peace about it..but we are not able to have any more children because of medical purposes. This has been very,very hard to deal with so soon after having Landon...because with Addison not being here..it's hard that Landon is alone,and it's something that we never expected to deal with. We don't understand why the Lord has directed our lives to go this way..but we are trusting in Him to comfort us and get us through this trial. It's hard to go through several different trials all at the same time..and we don't understand, but we know that the Lord says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth,so are my ways higher than your ways,and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9 And we know that, "All things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called according to HIS purpose." Romans 8:28 We realize that we are very blessed with two beautiful children, Addison Lynn in heaven that Jesus loves and holds for us,and Landon Michael that is here with us to love and hold, and we are thankful for these two special miracles... We also realize that we could have never even been able to have any children..but we are thankful that it was part of the Lord's plan. We know that someday we would like to adopt so that Landon can have more brothers and sisters,and we are praying for patience in waiting to see what the Lord does with our future,and we are praying for Him to open the doors if that's meant to be in His timing.
I am SO very thankful for both of my precious children...and I am so blessed and honored to be chosen by the Lord to be Addison Lynn and Landon Michael's Mommy.
It's so hard to believe that on April 25th 2011, Addison celebrated her 1st birthday in heaven with Jesus. The week of April 25th - April 30th was a really hard week being her 1 yr. anniversary week.. We are thankful for the love,prayers,support,flowers,and sweet text and e-mails that we received during that week..and we are blessed to have such wonderful families who love us so much and who are there for us 24/7.
Flowers from my dear Boss & Friend in honor of Addison, and to let me and Stephen know she was thinking of us and praying for us... She is so sweet.
Flowers from Uncle Thomas & Aunt Rachel in memory of Addison. They have been such an encouragement and blessing to Stephen and I, but especially over the last year. We are thankful for our families..and their support.
We took flowers to the graveside,and had some family time to celebrate Addison's life,and the blessing that she was and is to us.
It was a bittersweet time...being at her graveside and having a healthy baby boy in my arms.. It was hard. We just wished she could have been with us so we wouldn't have to go through that.. but we know she must have had the most wonderful celebration in heaven.
We are thankful that we were not walking the same road with Landon...that the Lord protected him..and gave him to us safely. The last year has taught me so much...it has been very painful..and very hurtful..very difficult from losing Addison and very exciting and joyful at the same time with the birth of my nephew and son. We are amazed at the Lord's continued comfort and healing during the 1st year of losing Addison..and we are thankful for the scripture that He has used to comfort us. Here are just a few that come to mind...
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 51:11
"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[a] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4
The Lord has also used many, many songs to encourage us as well... It's so neat how He brings scripture and song lyrics to mind to calm my hurting heart... It is a special thing to feel the Love and comfort of the Lord during such a difficult time. We will always remember Addison and be thankful for her short, sweet life, and we will always be grateful to the Lord that he gave her to us. We thank you all from the bottom of our hearts for your love,prayers and support over the last year..and we appreciate your continued prayers for us. Please pray that we will continue to walk through our trials in obedience to the Lord,and that He would find us faithful. We pray that we will be a blessing to all He leads us to share Him with and the hope that we have in Him. It's so hard to trust the Lord and His plan for us..but we want to be obedient and trust Him not matter what just as we have this past year.. We want to continue to be faithful to Him,as He is faithful to us. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18 We are looking forward to the "big picture" being revealed someday..and we pray that when the Lord shows it to us..that He would be pleased with how we have gone through the trials He entrusted us with. "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:10-11
"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
Monday, February 28, 2011
The marker was put in place on Feb. 11th (just before the 10 month anniversary). I only put "artificial" flowers out at the time I went to see it, but I am hoping to go put out some fresh flowers and get more pictures when it's not so "dirty" and muddy around the marker. We are very pleased with how it turned out..and we are thankful for a way to display our testimony of Addison's short life, and pray that it brings comfort and hope to all who see it. We are so glad the marker is there...and we are so glad to have that way to honor her memory.
On Friday,February,25th, our sweet Addison turned 10 months old in heaven with Jesus.
It's SO hard to believe it's been 10 months since I had to quickly say "good bye" to my baby girl who was encased in a plastic box with all kinds of "life saving" equipment hooked up to her,as she was rushed off to Cook Children's Hospital for more extensive care, where she lived for 6 short days. It's also SO hard to believe that it's been 10 months since we had to say "good bye for now..." as we held her one last time,and told her she didn't have to fight anymore, and that she could go see Jesus..and as soon as we told her that...she was gone. I miss my baby girl terribly. I can't describe how much it hurts not having her here to be with her cousin coming tomorrow,and her little brother coming on April 7th in just a few more weeks. Oh how I wish I could "borrow" her from the Lord and from the gates of heaven for just an hour...to hold her..to love on her once more...but then I know she wouldn't trade her heavenly home and her time with Jesus for anything..and her being in heaven is the safest place for her. I just long to have her here with us..to grow up with her cousin and brother...I wish she could be a part of our lives here..and not just a part of our memory that we will never forget, however...I know I will get to see her again someday..and I can't wait for that day. Addison has changed mine and Stephen's life in so many special ways..and we are grateful for the time we had with her.. She was one special daughter, and we are so proud of the way the Lord used her and is still using her to impact other lives as well. I am so thankful for my sweet, sweet baby girl..and her short, sweet life that we were a part of for 6 days. Every month is hard...because she would be a month older if she were here..and we are getting close to 12 months..and this month has been hard in the fact that Addison and Landon's birthday's are just a couple weeks apart, and shortly after Landon is born, Addison's 1st birthday will come. It's been hard dealing with all the different emotions this month..because there are so many. I am thrilled to be an AUNT for the very first time, and to find out if I am having a niece or nephew tomorrow..it's so exciting, because Stephen and I are the last ones in our families to become and Aunt and Uncle..and we are SO thrilled to have this opportunity! Looking forward to meeting our "niecephew" and holding him or her. What a special time. At the same time I am excited and thrilled..I am sad,hurting,and overwhelmed with all the other emotions I am feeling this month. The Lord is teaching me patience with the tax situation (regarding Addison)that we are in..and that's another thing that's overwhelming..and just plain frustrating..but we know God is in control of the situation..and right now all we can do is "wait" at this point to hear back about it. The waiting part is hard for me..because it's a situation that is out of my control (and unfortunately, I tend to be a "Control freak" sometimes when it comes to things like this). It's one of those things I just wish I could "deal" with,and get it over..and figure it all out right this second..but I can't and the Lord has been teaching me to be patient and trust Him with it. There is so much going on right now.. it's a very exciting time..a very difficult time for me,and also overwhelming time..and I am thankful for this time with family. There is so much more I would like to say...my heart is heavy. I just think I would like to close with scripture that was read at Addison's funeral. It is very encouraging to me to read this and reflect on our journey of grief..and I am praying that the Lord would continue to give me the strength to TRUST Him completely, and that He would continue to comfort me during my grief. I am so thankful for all of our friends and family and your continued love,prayers and support. We really appreciate it.
Here is the chapter I will close with... it's:
"1 How lovely is Your tabernacle,
O LORD of hosts!
2 My soul longs, yes, even faints
For the courts of the LORD;
My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.
3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
And the swallow a nest for herself,
Where she may lay her young—
Even Your altars, O LORD of hosts,
My King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in Your house;
They will still be praising You.
5 Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,
Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca (or weeping),
They make it a spring;
The rain also covers it with pools (or blessings).
7 They go from strength to strength;
Each one appears before God in Zion.
8 O LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer;
Give ear, O God of Jacob!
9 O God, behold our shield,
And look upon the face of Your anointed.
10 For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
Than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly.
12 O LORD of hosts,
Blessed is the man who trusts in You!"
May my strength and trust continue to be in Him...and may this journey bring a blessing to many for His glory...
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Well, I usually try to do the "monthly" post on the 25th of each month, because that is the day each month that Addison turns another month old in heaven, but the week has been busy..and pretty rough to say the least. I don't want this to be a "downer" post, and I want to honor the Lord with what I say. I have come to the conclusion (after beating myself up over it a lot..) that the feelings I am about to express are in no way "unusual" or that they are "that's not normal and I need help" type feelings. I believe the Lord gives us emotions to express to him what we are feeling, and I know that when grieving there are a lot of emotions to deal with. So..with that said, I need to tell you all that I am going to be very vulnerable and open up to you in a way that I am almost half way comfortable with. (meaning..I'm really getting out of my comfort zone in this post.)The reason being, is because I don't want anyone to think that I'm crazy, am going off the deep end or need counseling. I just feel like I need to be honest, since so many people are wondering how I am doing "grief wise". Here it goes:
Since the holidays,(Thanksgiving & Christmas)...the grief has hit me in many ways that I don't always understand, and I must say that it's been pretty "rough". I have missed Addison terribly,and the closer it gets to my due date with Landon, the more and more I long,and ache for her to be here. It's been so hard dealing with emotions and waves of grief that I thought I was "passed" in a sense..because a lot of those feelings have come back on an off..and I have gotten frustrated wondering where the anger and other emotions are coming from. Anger has been the wave of grief that has been hitting me hard lately. I have to say that of all the stages of grief..I feel like it's the hardest..because while I do get angry for reasons I myself can't even place or pinpoint, I know that it's "ok" to have those feelings,as long as I share it with the Lord..and don't keep it inside to myself. Things like anger are hard to "discuss" with the Lord, because sometimes I feel ashamed to feel this way, but I do know that the "human" reaction to something like losing a baby, is going to be at some point (and possibly more than once on and off for a while) will be anger. I know the best thing I can do is talk to the Lord about it..and let Him know what's on my mind by verbally telling Him through prayer, because He already knows it anyway. I have been heavily taking to heart Psalm 55:22 that says, "Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." The fact that I CAN let Him carry my huge and overwhelming "burden" of grief, makes such a huge difference for me..because when it's really getting to me and bothering me,weighing me down,and discouraging, I know I can give it all to Him to carry for me. That helps... Sometimes..it's just getting to the point where I will "let it go" for Him to carry..because it's easy for me to try to "deal" with it all alone..but I know He has to carry it for me. I have to be honest..it has been really hard dealing with anger that seems to come from nowhere...and I get to where I can't pinpoint "what" or "who" I'm angry at, I just know I'm angry. I then feel like it's wrong to feel this way, and I don't want the anger to affect my attitude,but sometimes it does, and then I get mad at myself. I know that these feeling are all "normal" when it comes to grief, because I have read through Job, and I know that he had his "angry" moments...and many other emotions to deal with, just as anyone who is grieving does. I just feel overwhelmed,because I feel like I'm still living in a world that's going on around me,and has "moved on", and I haven't, nor will I ever be "over it". I won't ever forget my sweet Addison,her life,and the impact she had on me and so many others..I will always be her Mommy,but I know that even though it gets "better"..that doesn't mean I will forget her,and that the pain will all go away. Yes, it has gotten somewhat "easier"..but that "scar" and pain will always be faintly in my mind. I feel as though I'm having to deal with the many questions and confusion along with anger, like it just happened..and that's a hard place to be at "all over again". I have had to really pray about where I'm at in my journey of grief,and ask the Lord to continue to comfort me and my hurting heart, and that I wouldn't become bitter, but that I would constantly tell Him how I feel, and let Him help me "deal" with the feelings and emotions as they come, so I don't bottle it up, and 10 years from now wonder why I have turned into a bitter person. I don't want to be that way..and I know the Lord doesn't want me to be that way either..so it's a daily thing I need to deal with. I have just had a lot of up and down days lately, and feel overwhelmed that I don't even know where to begin in dealing with the emotions of the day. It's like each day has brought a different feeling or emotion,and sometimes I get angry with myself if I can't pinpoint what it is. I know it's going to take time...but in time I know that I will be able to release a lot of these feelings and emotions to where they might not come back around as often. It's hard to believe that 9 months ago on Jan. 25th, Addison was born,and that's it's been 9 months on Jan. 30th since she went to heaven. Sometimes it hurts like it happened yesterday, and other times it feels like it's been years, because I miss her so much.. With Landon's arrival getting closer and closer, I have been thinking about how their birthdays will just be a couple weeks a part, and that soon after he's born (just a few short weeks later) Addison will be turning 1 year old in heaven. That's been hard to swallow..because I just wish she could be here with her little brother,and that BOTH of my babies could grow up together, and be here together.. I feel like the grief will be different when Landon comes, because he will give us joy and excitement and we will be busy with him,and our focus will be on him, but I also know that there will be times I will ache for her to be here, because it will seem weird with him here and her not. I have been praying that the Lord would continue to carry me through this time, and that I will be able to fully deal with,and accept the waves of grief as they hit me. It's been really hard trying to balance so many emotions, because I'm thrilled beyond measure with excitement and joy for Landon to be here,yet I ache and hurt,and still miss Addison..and it's hard dealing with two totally different emotions that are so extreme from each other. As I get closer to my due date, I get more anxious and nervous about the c-section,and Landon's health,and just want him to get her safe and be healthy..and I am trying hard to trust the Lord daily with his life, and the plan that the Lord has for Landon. It's not easy "giving" Landon to the Lord each day with an attitude that he's not our baby, he's the Lord's and that He will take care of him for us,because I did that with Addison,and she's not with us. I trusted the Lord completely with her, and after losing her, and having Landon on the way, I must say that this pregnancy has been a lot more difficult to trust the Lord with, because I'm afraid. I have to recite Phil.4:6-7 in my head often, because it says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." It's not always easy to apply that, but I'm working on it. I really wrestled with this post all week,and wondered what I would say, because honestly, I have been really hurting,and didn't know what to say without coming across like I'm going off the deep end..or being a complete "downer" or discouragement. I finally just decided I wanted to be really honest with you all, and let you know where I'm at with the grief. It's a day to day process..but the Lord continues to walk me through it. I am thankful for the scripture that the Lord will put in my head and remind me of when I need it most. I am trying hard to daily trust in His plan for me, and I am trying hard to deal with the emotions as they hit. I'm also really trying hard to keep my focus on the positive things that have come of Addison's death, and the wonderful things the Lord has done through her life.. It's very helpful reflecting on God's goodness to us, and the special impact her short, sweet life had and is still having. One thing I continue to struggle with is people's comments, that they intend for good,but they say them with out realizing that it's hurting and not helping. I know people mean well, and it's not their desire to be hurtful..but sometimes I wish people would think a little more before they say something about Landon's arrival as if it's going to make "everything all better",because it's not. He is by no means replacing Addison..and I believe they are both equally special to me and Stephen, and I am thankful for them both. They are our children and we are blessed with both of them, and I will not stop talking about Addison, because she is still my daughter. I'm amazed at how it seems to bother or scare people when I start talking about her, but I think it's because most people are afraid of what to say, or they might feel it's weird or uncomfortable to talk about her because she's not here..but let me just say, that it really helps me to talk about her, because she IS my little girl, and she IS always going to be part of my life even though she's in heaven. Not that she's "here in spirit" or anything weird like that..it's that her life and story is always going to be a part of my life..and I want to talk about her. Another reason why it helps to talk about her, is because when I talk about her I almost always have the opportunity to talk about the Lord and what He has done..because I can't leave Him out of the story. It's been a great witnessing discussion starter for people I don't even know well..because they might hear part of the story, and then I get to share about God and how He has (and still is) getting us through this, and the hope we have,because of Him,and why we have this hope. All that to say, I don't mind if you bring Addison up..in fact..I like it when people want to talk about my little girl..it makes me feel like she isn't forgotten..and that she really did exist..and isn't just "a thing of the past" or that since she's not here it's a "bad thing" to talk about her.. I don't feel that way.. in fact, it's more hurtful when people act as though she never was here..and don't even mention her.. Now..I'm not saying that every time someone sees me I want them to find some random thing to say about her..and I'm not saying that I want you to make small talk about her..just because.. I am mainly saying that if I talk about her..you don't have to tense up or freeze..or change the subject like it's "too painful or hard to talk about" when I'm the one bringing it up.. I am not trying to sound harsh or hateful at all..I just wanted to point out some things that might help you know "it's ok". I hope that makes sense... Ok..since it's SO late while typing this, I am sorry for the long rambling,and if I didn't make sense or it seems like I was coming across as one huge complaint...then I'm so sorry. I really want to be honest with you all so you know how to specifically pray..because I know so many of you pray for us, and I appreciate that soooo much! We really covet your prayers..and I want you all to know that I am wanting to honor the Lord through my journey of grief, and that I am daily fighting off Satan and his lies, so I don't give him the victory. The Lord is working in my life..and growing and stretching me in so many ways..and I am trying to be faithful to Him..while dealing with the grief..and I pray often that I would be a good testimony to the Lord and what He has done in my life.. I ask that you pray with me to be a light during this whole journey..and that I would allow the Lord to continue to heal and mend my broken heart.. and that you would pray for us as we await Landon's arrival and prepare for him. I am praying that I will be a good Mommy to Landon, and that I will "train him in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.." I pray often for his health and safe delivery into the world..and that I won't be anxious about all the details. Please pray that I will continue to trust in the One who is trustworthy..and that I will let Him carry my burdens daily.. Thanks so much for your time..and for reading this long post..
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will make your paths straight."
I'm praying that I will continue to trust Him with ALL my heart..and not just "part" of it.. Thanks again for your prayers with me!