A Christmas ornament given to us in appreciation by "Life Gift". (The donor company that Addison was a heart valve donor for)
Christmas ornaments of Addison given to us from her MiMi & Papa
It's hard to believe that 8 months ago yesterday (Christmas Day), that my sweet baby girl was born. It just seems so unreal that 8 months ago she was born..and that she's not here with us today.. I wanted to update yesterday because it was Christmas Day and was the 8 month mark of Addison's birth. It was a hard day..and I just never had time,energy or emotional strength to think of the words to say.. It's the 26th, the day after Christmas..and I still feel at a loss for words, but I'm going to try hard. Here I go..
The past 8 months have been such a roller coaster. It's been exciting,scary,painful,and many other things..but the Lord has gotten us where we are today..and continues to bring us far from the despair we were in right after losing Addison. We still deeply hurt and miss her, but we also know we will see her again..and we look forward to our future with Landon. It's been such a hard time in our lives, but also a joyful one, as we found out we have our second blessing on the way..and are looking forward to meeting our Landon Michael early April. So many emotions in the last 8 months...and yet so much comfort from our Father in heaven who is holding and loving our baby girl for us. The holidays have been extremely hard for us..we have missed Addison more and more as Thanksgiving and Christmas got closer, and on those days..we ached and hurt, missing her, and wishing she was her. It was so hard not having her here to give presents to, and to love on, and spend her first Christmas together as a family of 3 (almost 4). I miss her terribly, and long to see her again..and I have never had so many mixed emotions on Christmas. It's been really hard. Just seems like she should be here with us..but she's not..and having to be "ok" with that is not always easy. I'm so thankful for the hope we have and the fact that we could celebrate Christ birth and Him coming to save us to give us that hope. It's neat to think that our daughter is with the Savior of the world..and that she spent her first Christmas with Him in heaven. While we ache and hurt, and miss her, and always will, we know that her being in heaven is exactly what the Lord wanted..and that we will be reunited with her someday. That brings us comfort. There has been a lot going on in the last couple weeks regarding my pregnancy with Landon, and I would like to share some of what's going on. When we lost Addison, we were wanting some answers, as to what happened to her that caused so many complications after having a perfectly healthy pregnancy. It was so hard to understand why she was perfectly fine, and then when I went into labor she was in distress, and the doctors and all the professionals we dealt with, had no idea what went wrong. We received the autopsy results that gave us no answers, and we were so confused, as well as the doctors that explained it to us. We decided that we may never know what happened to Addison, and that we will just trust God's providence and plan for her short life. It's been hard to wrap our minds around the fact that He loves her so much more than we do, and just wanted her to be with Him, but He's helped us to accept this, and come to a place where we have a peace about it. After we found out we were pregnant again, my OB told me that I'm a high risk pregnancy, because of my story with Addison, and that he would be sending me to a high risk specialist in the 3rd trimester. He told me they would both monitor me well, and try and answer any questions I had this time around. It put my mind at ease knowing that I would be seeing a specialist.. A few weeks ago, at one of my appointments, my OB said, "Well..I was going to send you to the specialist in the 3rd trimester, but you're at 21 weeks, and I would like to go ahead and send you, so you can get used to going to him..I think it would be good to get in their system and start seeing him." I thought it was a good idea as well, and was glad that I could meet the new doctor soon. We went to my first appointment with the specialist about a week or so later, and after hearing my whole story about Addison, and reviewing my charts and records, the doctor told me he was concerned about the size of my placenta with Addison, and that it wasn't "full term" size. He told us he was concerned that I may have a clotting disorder that restricted growth to the placenta which caused complications for Addison in the end. It was hard to hear the news,and I was scared for Landon. I didn't know what to think. He sent me for lots of blood testing that same day, and we got the results about a week and a half later. We found out that I do have a clotting disorder, and it's a "Protein S Deficiency". I was shocked that the Specialist picked up on this so quickly, and that I actually had what he thought I did. I'm so thankful that my OB sent me to the specialist early and that he caught what's wrong with me. It's such a God thing, that I was sent earlier on than planned, and that I was sent to such a great Specialist. He is taking great care of me. Basically Addison outgrew the placenta and that caused problems during labor..she had a huge lack of oxygen and that's what caused all her complications. It was scary finding all this out, because I was concerned that the doctor might not have caught this in time for Landon. He put me on blood thinner shots and said that it will help allow full growth to the placenta, which will help Landon grow healthy and strong and allow him to have plenty of oxygen. Everything should be fine, now that I'm taking the shots. There is a 45% infant loss rate when not treated listed as one of the complications of a clotting disorder such as the "Protein S" disorder that I have, but when treated for this, almost 100% of women don't have any complications in the end. So..now we know that Addison passed away from these complications, but it's a miracle that she made it to full term. Most women experience infant loss in the 1st or 2nd trimester with this disorder if it's not treated. Since I'm being treated for it, everything should be fine. We are just praying for Landon's safe,healthy arrival into the world, and we are trusting that God knows best. We know Landon is the Lord's baby, and not ours, and that He is taking care of him for us, and we are trusting that He will allow him to get here healthy. It's been a really scary time for us, just learning all this news, and it's been hard to trust in the Lord's plan everyday..but we know He's trustworthy. I would just ask you to please pray for me as I am doing these shot treatments, that my body would get used to the medicine and that it would allow everything to grow healthy,including Landon. It's been an adjustment to say the least..but Stephen has been so good to help me with the shots (I'm too chicken to do them myself..so I'm GLAD I have him!). One of the side affects is nausea..and I have experienced some nausea with the medicine after each shot dose,and yes, they hurt and my sides feel sore,but I know this is helping me and Landon to be healthy. It's worth it. I know the Lord will get me through the treatments,and I will be able to tell Landon what God did some day. Also, for our comfort and peace in knowing this is probably what caused Addison's death..and just trusting in God's plan for her. It's good having answers..but hard to process.. but we are SO thankful that the Specialist has found out what's wrong with me, and how to fix it. I'm so grateful for that. It's such a blessing to have such awesome doctors and staff looking after me and Landon. I'm so thankful He is taking care of us, and has Addison in His arms, safe and healthy. I miss her so much, but I am so thankful for the time the Lord gave her to us. Thank-you for your continued prayers and support. We really appreciate it. It's been a hard 8 months..but the Lord continues to get us through it, and carry us when we can't go on. He has proved Himself faithful to us time and time again..and we thank Him for that and are grateful for His leading and growing in our lives. Please be in prayer for a continued healthy pregnancy and healthy Landon, and that the Lord would continue to bring comfort to our hurting hearts, but also a peace and joy as we look forward to the future with our little man. Also, please be in prayer for my older sister Rachel, who is 5 weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy. We found out that my clotting disorder is genetic, and so she went to be tested as well, and is waiting on the results. I'm praying she is fine, and doesn't have the disorder as well,and I'm trusting in God's plan. Please pray for her comfort and peace..and that if she does have the disorder, that she will get on the medicine quickly. The wonderful thing is that the doctors can treat this. It's so good to know that they have found a way to take care of these clotting disorders. Thank-you for loving us, and praying for us during the past 8 months,and for continuing to do so. We really appreciate the prayers and support..it really helps to know we are being lifted up to the Father. I know this post was really long, but wanted to share a little more of what's been going on. Thanks for reading to know how to pray! Hope you have had a wonderful Christmas, and also a very Happy New Year!