Sunday, January 30, 2011
Well, I usually try to do the "monthly" post on the 25th of each month, because that is the day each month that Addison turns another month old in heaven, but the week has been busy..and pretty rough to say the least. I don't want this to be a "downer" post, and I want to honor the Lord with what I say. I have come to the conclusion (after beating myself up over it a lot..) that the feelings I am about to express are in no way "unusual" or that they are "that's not normal and I need help" type feelings. I believe the Lord gives us emotions to express to him what we are feeling, and I know that when grieving there are a lot of emotions to deal with. So..with that said, I need to tell you all that I am going to be very vulnerable and open up to you in a way that I am almost half way comfortable with. (meaning..I'm really getting out of my comfort zone in this post.)The reason being, is because I don't want anyone to think that I'm crazy, am going off the deep end or need counseling. I just feel like I need to be honest, since so many people are wondering how I am doing "grief wise". Here it goes:
Since the holidays,(Thanksgiving & Christmas)...the grief has hit me in many ways that I don't always understand, and I must say that it's been pretty "rough". I have missed Addison terribly,and the closer it gets to my due date with Landon, the more and more I long,and ache for her to be here. It's been so hard dealing with emotions and waves of grief that I thought I was "passed" in a sense..because a lot of those feelings have come back on an off..and I have gotten frustrated wondering where the anger and other emotions are coming from. Anger has been the wave of grief that has been hitting me hard lately. I have to say that of all the stages of grief..I feel like it's the hardest..because while I do get angry for reasons I myself can't even place or pinpoint, I know that it's "ok" to have those feelings,as long as I share it with the Lord..and don't keep it inside to myself. Things like anger are hard to "discuss" with the Lord, because sometimes I feel ashamed to feel this way, but I do know that the "human" reaction to something like losing a baby, is going to be at some point (and possibly more than once on and off for a while) will be anger. I know the best thing I can do is talk to the Lord about it..and let Him know what's on my mind by verbally telling Him through prayer, because He already knows it anyway. I have been heavily taking to heart Psalm 55:22 that says, "Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." The fact that I CAN let Him carry my huge and overwhelming "burden" of grief, makes such a huge difference for me..because when it's really getting to me and bothering me,weighing me down,and discouraging, I know I can give it all to Him to carry for me. That helps... Sometimes..it's just getting to the point where I will "let it go" for Him to carry..because it's easy for me to try to "deal" with it all alone..but I know He has to carry it for me. I have to be honest..it has been really hard dealing with anger that seems to come from nowhere...and I get to where I can't pinpoint "what" or "who" I'm angry at, I just know I'm angry. I then feel like it's wrong to feel this way, and I don't want the anger to affect my attitude,but sometimes it does, and then I get mad at myself. I know that these feeling are all "normal" when it comes to grief, because I have read through Job, and I know that he had his "angry" moments...and many other emotions to deal with, just as anyone who is grieving does. I just feel overwhelmed,because I feel like I'm still living in a world that's going on around me,and has "moved on", and I haven't, nor will I ever be "over it". I won't ever forget my sweet Addison,her life,and the impact she had on me and so many others..I will always be her Mommy,but I know that even though it gets "better"..that doesn't mean I will forget her,and that the pain will all go away. Yes, it has gotten somewhat "easier"..but that "scar" and pain will always be faintly in my mind. I feel as though I'm having to deal with the many questions and confusion along with anger, like it just happened..and that's a hard place to be at "all over again". I have had to really pray about where I'm at in my journey of grief,and ask the Lord to continue to comfort me and my hurting heart, and that I wouldn't become bitter, but that I would constantly tell Him how I feel, and let Him help me "deal" with the feelings and emotions as they come, so I don't bottle it up, and 10 years from now wonder why I have turned into a bitter person. I don't want to be that way..and I know the Lord doesn't want me to be that way either..so it's a daily thing I need to deal with. I have just had a lot of up and down days lately, and feel overwhelmed that I don't even know where to begin in dealing with the emotions of the day. It's like each day has brought a different feeling or emotion,and sometimes I get angry with myself if I can't pinpoint what it is. I know it's going to take time...but in time I know that I will be able to release a lot of these feelings and emotions to where they might not come back around as often. It's hard to believe that 9 months ago on Jan. 25th, Addison was born,and that's it's been 9 months on Jan. 30th since she went to heaven. Sometimes it hurts like it happened yesterday, and other times it feels like it's been years, because I miss her so much.. With Landon's arrival getting closer and closer, I have been thinking about how their birthdays will just be a couple weeks a part, and that soon after he's born (just a few short weeks later) Addison will be turning 1 year old in heaven. That's been hard to swallow..because I just wish she could be here with her little brother,and that BOTH of my babies could grow up together, and be here together.. I feel like the grief will be different when Landon comes, because he will give us joy and excitement and we will be busy with him,and our focus will be on him, but I also know that there will be times I will ache for her to be here, because it will seem weird with him here and her not. I have been praying that the Lord would continue to carry me through this time, and that I will be able to fully deal with,and accept the waves of grief as they hit me. It's been really hard trying to balance so many emotions, because I'm thrilled beyond measure with excitement and joy for Landon to be here,yet I ache and hurt,and still miss Addison..and it's hard dealing with two totally different emotions that are so extreme from each other. As I get closer to my due date, I get more anxious and nervous about the c-section,and Landon's health,and just want him to get her safe and be healthy..and I am trying hard to trust the Lord daily with his life, and the plan that the Lord has for Landon. It's not easy "giving" Landon to the Lord each day with an attitude that he's not our baby, he's the Lord's and that He will take care of him for us,because I did that with Addison,and she's not with us. I trusted the Lord completely with her, and after losing her, and having Landon on the way, I must say that this pregnancy has been a lot more difficult to trust the Lord with, because I'm afraid. I have to recite Phil.4:6-7 in my head often, because it says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." It's not always easy to apply that, but I'm working on it. I really wrestled with this post all week,and wondered what I would say, because honestly, I have been really hurting,and didn't know what to say without coming across like I'm going off the deep end..or being a complete "downer" or discouragement. I finally just decided I wanted to be really honest with you all, and let you know where I'm at with the grief. It's a day to day process..but the Lord continues to walk me through it. I am thankful for the scripture that the Lord will put in my head and remind me of when I need it most. I am trying hard to daily trust in His plan for me, and I am trying hard to deal with the emotions as they hit. I'm also really trying hard to keep my focus on the positive things that have come of Addison's death, and the wonderful things the Lord has done through her life.. It's very helpful reflecting on God's goodness to us, and the special impact her short, sweet life had and is still having. One thing I continue to struggle with is people's comments, that they intend for good,but they say them with out realizing that it's hurting and not helping. I know people mean well, and it's not their desire to be hurtful..but sometimes I wish people would think a little more before they say something about Landon's arrival as if it's going to make "everything all better",because it's not. He is by no means replacing Addison..and I believe they are both equally special to me and Stephen, and I am thankful for them both. They are our children and we are blessed with both of them, and I will not stop talking about Addison, because she is still my daughter. I'm amazed at how it seems to bother or scare people when I start talking about her, but I think it's because most people are afraid of what to say, or they might feel it's weird or uncomfortable to talk about her because she's not here..but let me just say, that it really helps me to talk about her, because she IS my little girl, and she IS always going to be part of my life even though she's in heaven. Not that she's "here in spirit" or anything weird like that..it's that her life and story is always going to be a part of my life..and I want to talk about her. Another reason why it helps to talk about her, is because when I talk about her I almost always have the opportunity to talk about the Lord and what He has done..because I can't leave Him out of the story. It's been a great witnessing discussion starter for people I don't even know well..because they might hear part of the story, and then I get to share about God and how He has (and still is) getting us through this, and the hope we have,because of Him,and why we have this hope. All that to say, I don't mind if you bring Addison up..in fact..I like it when people want to talk about my little girl..it makes me feel like she isn't forgotten..and that she really did exist..and isn't just "a thing of the past" or that since she's not here it's a "bad thing" to talk about her.. I don't feel that way.. in fact, it's more hurtful when people act as though she never was here..and don't even mention her.. Now..I'm not saying that every time someone sees me I want them to find some random thing to say about her..and I'm not saying that I want you to make small talk about her..just because.. I am mainly saying that if I talk about her..you don't have to tense up or freeze..or change the subject like it's "too painful or hard to talk about" when I'm the one bringing it up.. I am not trying to sound harsh or hateful at all..I just wanted to point out some things that might help you know "it's ok". I hope that makes sense... Ok..since it's SO late while typing this, I am sorry for the long rambling,and if I didn't make sense or it seems like I was coming across as one huge complaint...then I'm so sorry. I really want to be honest with you all so you know how to specifically pray..because I know so many of you pray for us, and I appreciate that soooo much! We really covet your prayers..and I want you all to know that I am wanting to honor the Lord through my journey of grief, and that I am daily fighting off Satan and his lies, so I don't give him the victory. The Lord is working in my life..and growing and stretching me in so many ways..and I am trying to be faithful to Him..while dealing with the grief..and I pray often that I would be a good testimony to the Lord and what He has done in my life.. I ask that you pray with me to be a light during this whole journey..and that I would allow the Lord to continue to heal and mend my broken heart.. and that you would pray for us as we await Landon's arrival and prepare for him. I am praying that I will be a good Mommy to Landon, and that I will "train him in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.." I pray often for his health and safe delivery into the world..and that I won't be anxious about all the details. Please pray that I will continue to trust in the One who is trustworthy..and that I will let Him carry my burdens daily.. Thanks so much for your time..and for reading this long post..
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will make your paths straight."
I'm praying that I will continue to trust Him with ALL my heart..and not just "part" of it.. Thanks again for your prayers with me!