~9 Months~

Well, I usually try to do the "monthly" post on the 25th of each month, because that is the day each month that Addison turns another month old in heaven, but the week has been busy..and pretty rough to say the least. I don't want this to be a "downer" post, and I want to honor the Lord with what I say. I have come to the conclusion (after beating myself up over it a lot..) that the feelings I am about to express are in no way "unusual" or that they are "that's not normal and I need help" type feelings. I believe the Lord gives us emotions to express to him what we are feeling, and I know that when grieving there are a lot of emotions to deal with. So..with that said, I need to tell you all that I am going to be very vulnerable and open up to you in a way that I am almost half way comfortable with. (meaning..I'm really getting out of my comfort zone in this post.)The reason being, is because I don't want anyone to think that I'm crazy, am going off the deep end or need counseling. I just feel like I need to be honest, since so many people are wondering how I am doing "grief wise". Here it goes:
Since the holidays,(Thanksgiving & Christmas)...the grief has hit me in many ways that I don't always understand, and I must say that it's been pretty "rough". I have missed Addison terribly,and the closer it gets to my due date with Landon, the more and more I long,and ache for her to be here. It's been so hard dealing with emotions and waves of grief that I thought I was "passed" in a sense..because a lot of those feelings have come back on an off..and I have gotten frustrated wondering where the anger and other emotions are coming from. Anger has been the wave of grief that has been hitting me hard lately. I have to say that of all the stages of grief..I feel like it's the hardest..because while I do get angry for reasons I myself can't even place or pinpoint, I know that it's "ok" to have those feelings,as long as I share it with the Lord..and don't keep it inside to myself. Things like anger are hard to "discuss" with the Lord, because sometimes I feel ashamed to feel this way, but I do know that the "human" reaction to something like losing a baby, is going to be at some point (and possibly more than once on and off for a while) will be anger. I know the best thing I can do is talk to the Lord about it..and let Him know what's on my mind by verbally telling Him through prayer, because He already knows it anyway. I have been heavily taking to heart Psalm 55:22 that says, "Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." The fact that I CAN let Him carry my huge and overwhelming "burden" of grief, makes such a huge difference for me..because when it's really getting to me and bothering me,weighing me down,and discouraging, I know I can give it all to Him to carry for me. That helps... Sometimes..it's just getting to the point where I will "let it go" for Him to carry..because it's easy for me to try to "deal" with it all alone..but I know He has to carry it for me. I have to be honest..it has been really hard dealing with anger that seems to come from nowhere...and I get to where I can't pinpoint "what" or "who" I'm angry at, I just know I'm angry. I then feel like it's wrong to feel this way, and I don't want the anger to affect my attitude,but sometimes it does, and then I get mad at myself. I know that these feeling are all "normal" when it comes to grief, because I have read through Job, and I know that he had his "angry" moments...and many other emotions to deal with, just as anyone who is grieving does. I just feel overwhelmed,because I feel like I'm still living in a world that's going on around me,and has "moved on", and I haven't, nor will I ever be "over it". I won't ever forget my sweet Addison,her life,and the impact she had on me and so many others..I will always be her Mommy,but I know that even though it gets "better"..that doesn't mean I will forget her,and that the pain will all go away. Yes, it has gotten somewhat "easier"..but that "scar" and pain will always be faintly in my mind. I feel as though I'm having to deal with the many questions and confusion along with anger, like it just happened..and that's a hard place to be at "all over again". I have had to really pray about where I'm at in my journey of grief,and ask the Lord to continue to comfort me and my hurting heart, and that I wouldn't become bitter, but that I would constantly tell Him how I feel, and let Him help me "deal" with the feelings and emotions as they come, so I don't bottle it up, and 10 years from now wonder why I have turned into a bitter person. I don't want to be that way..and I know the Lord doesn't want me to be that way either..so it's a daily thing I need to deal with. I have just had a lot of up and down days lately, and feel overwhelmed that I don't even know where to begin in dealing with the emotions of the day. It's like each day has brought a different feeling or emotion,and sometimes I get angry with myself if I can't pinpoint what it is. I know it's going to take time...but in time I know that I will be able to release a lot of these feelings and emotions to where they might not come back around as often. It's hard to believe that 9 months ago on Jan. 25th, Addison was born,and that's it's been 9 months on Jan. 30th since she went to heaven. Sometimes it hurts like it happened yesterday, and other times it feels like it's been years, because I miss her so much.. With Landon's arrival getting closer and closer, I have been thinking about how their birthdays will just be a couple weeks a part, and that soon after he's born (just a few short weeks later) Addison will be turning 1 year old in heaven. That's been hard to swallow..because I just wish she could be here with her little brother,and that BOTH of my babies could grow up together, and be here together.. I feel like the grief will be different when Landon comes, because he will give us joy and excitement and we will be busy with him,and our focus will be on him, but I also know that there will be times I will ache for her to be here, because it will seem weird with him here and her not. I have been praying that the Lord would continue to carry me through this time, and that I will be able to fully deal with,and accept the waves of grief as they hit me. It's been really hard trying to balance so many emotions, because I'm thrilled beyond measure with excitement and joy for Landon to be here,yet I ache and hurt,and still miss Addison..and it's hard dealing with two totally different emotions that are so extreme from each other. As I get closer to my due date, I get more anxious and nervous about the c-section,and Landon's health,and just want him to get her safe and be healthy..and I am trying hard to trust the Lord daily with his life, and the plan that the Lord has for Landon. It's not easy "giving" Landon to the Lord each day with an attitude that he's not our baby, he's the Lord's and that He will take care of him for us,because I did that with Addison,and she's not with us. I trusted the Lord completely with her, and after losing her, and having Landon on the way, I must say that this pregnancy has been a lot more difficult to trust the Lord with, because I'm afraid. I have to recite Phil.4:6-7 in my head often, because it says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." It's not always easy to apply that, but I'm working on it. I really wrestled with this post all week,and wondered what I would say, because honestly, I have been really hurting,and didn't know what to say without coming across like I'm going off the deep end..or being a complete "downer" or discouragement. I finally just decided I wanted to be really honest with you all, and let you know where I'm at with the grief. It's a day to day process..but the Lord continues to walk me through it. I am thankful for the scripture that the Lord will put in my head and remind me of when I need it most. I am trying hard to daily trust in His plan for me, and I am trying hard to deal with the emotions as they hit. I'm also really trying hard to keep my focus on the positive things that have come of Addison's death, and the wonderful things the Lord has done through her life.. It's very helpful reflecting on God's goodness to us, and the special impact her short, sweet life had and is still having. One thing I continue to struggle with is people's comments, that they intend for good,but they say them with out realizing that it's hurting and not helping. I know people mean well, and it's not their desire to be hurtful..but sometimes I wish people would think a little more before they say something about Landon's arrival as if it's going to make "everything all better",because it's not. He is by no means replacing Addison..and I believe they are both equally special to me and Stephen, and I am thankful for them both. They are our children and we are blessed with both of them, and I will not stop talking about Addison, because she is still my daughter. I'm amazed at how it seems to bother or scare people when I start talking about her, but I think it's because most people are afraid of what to say, or they might feel it's weird or uncomfortable to talk about her because she's not here..but let me just say, that it really helps me to talk about her, because she IS my little girl, and she IS always going to be part of my life even though she's in heaven. Not that she's "here in spirit" or anything weird like that..it's that her life and story is always going to be a part of my life..and I want to talk about her. Another reason why it helps to talk about her, is because when I talk about her I almost always have the opportunity to talk about the Lord and what He has done..because I can't leave Him out of the story. It's been a great witnessing discussion starter for people I don't even know well..because they might hear part of the story, and then I get to share about God and how He has (and still is) getting us through this, and the hope we have,because of Him,and why we have this hope. All that to say, I don't mind if you bring Addison up..in fact..I like it when people want to talk about my little girl..it makes me feel like she isn't forgotten..and that she really did exist..and isn't just "a thing of the past" or that since she's not here it's a "bad thing" to talk about her.. I don't feel that way.. in fact, it's more hurtful when people act as though she never was here..and don't even mention her.. Now..I'm not saying that every time someone sees me I want them to find some random thing to say about her..and I'm not saying that I want you to make small talk about her..just because.. I am mainly saying that if I talk about her..you don't have to tense up or freeze..or change the subject like it's "too painful or hard to talk about" when I'm the one bringing it up.. I am not trying to sound harsh or hateful at all..I just wanted to point out some things that might help you know "it's ok". I hope that makes sense... Ok..since it's SO late while typing this, I am sorry for the long rambling,and if I didn't make sense or it seems like I was coming across as one huge complaint...then I'm so sorry. I really want to be honest with you all so you know how to specifically pray..because I know so many of you pray for us, and I appreciate that soooo much! We really covet your prayers..and I want you all to know that I am wanting to honor the Lord through my journey of grief, and that I am daily fighting off Satan and his lies, so I don't give him the victory. The Lord is working in my life..and growing and stretching me in so many ways..and I am trying to be faithful to Him..while dealing with the grief..and I pray often that I would be a good testimony to the Lord and what He has done in my life.. I ask that you pray with me to be a light during this whole journey..and that I would allow the Lord to continue to heal and mend my broken heart.. and that you would pray for us as we await Landon's arrival and prepare for him. I am praying that I will be a good Mommy to Landon, and that I will "train him in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.." I pray often for his health and safe delivery into the world..and that I won't be anxious about all the details. Please pray that I will continue to trust in the One who is trustworthy..and that I will let Him carry my burdens daily.. Thanks so much for your time..and for reading this long post..
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6
I'm praying that I will continue to trust Him with ALL my heart..and not just "part" of it.. Thanks again for your prayers with me!

~8 Months~

A Christmas ornament given to us in appreciation by "Life Gift". (The donor company that Addison was a heart valve donor for)


Christmas ornaments of Addison given to us from her MiMi & Papa




It's hard to believe that 8 months ago yesterday (Christmas Day), that my sweet baby girl was born. It just seems so unreal that 8 months ago she was born..and that she's not here with us today.. I wanted to update yesterday because it was Christmas Day and was the 8 month mark of Addison's birth. It was a hard day..and I just never had time,energy or emotional strength to think of the words to say.. It's the 26th, the day after Christmas..and I still feel at a loss for words, but I'm going to try hard. Here I go..
The past 8 months have been such a roller coaster. It's been exciting,scary,painful,and many other things..but the Lord has gotten us where we are today..and continues to bring us far from the despair we were in right after losing Addison. We still deeply hurt and miss her, but we also know we will see her again..and we look forward to our future with Landon. It's been such a hard time in our lives, but also a joyful one, as we found out we have our second blessing on the way..and are looking forward to meeting our Landon Michael early April. So many emotions in the last 8 months...and yet so much comfort from our Father in heaven who is holding and loving our baby girl for us. The holidays have been extremely hard for us..we have missed Addison more and more as Thanksgiving and Christmas got closer, and on those days..we ached and hurt, missing her, and wishing she was her. It was so hard not having her here to give presents to, and to love on, and spend her first Christmas together as a family of 3 (almost 4). I miss her terribly, and long to see her again..and I have never had so many mixed emotions on Christmas. It's been really hard. Just seems like she should be here with us..but she's not..and having to be "ok" with that is not always easy. I'm so thankful for the hope we have and the fact that we could celebrate Christ birth and Him coming to save us to give us that hope. It's neat to think that our daughter is with the Savior of the world..and that she spent her first Christmas with Him in heaven. While we ache and hurt, and miss her, and always will, we know that her being in heaven is exactly what the Lord wanted..and that we will be reunited with her someday. That brings us comfort. There has been a lot going on in the last couple weeks regarding my pregnancy with Landon, and I would like to share some of what's going on. When we lost Addison, we were wanting some answers, as to what happened to her that caused so many complications after having a perfectly healthy pregnancy. It was so hard to understand why she was perfectly fine, and then when I went into labor she was in distress, and the doctors and all the professionals we dealt with, had no idea what went wrong. We received the autopsy results that gave us no answers, and we were so confused, as well as the doctors that explained it to us. We decided that we may never know what happened to Addison, and that we will just trust God's providence and plan for her short life. It's been hard to wrap our minds around the fact that He loves her so much more than we do, and just wanted her to be with Him, but He's helped us to accept this, and come to a place where we have a peace about it. After we found out we were pregnant again, my OB told me that I'm a high risk pregnancy, because of my story with Addison, and that he would be sending me to a high risk specialist in the 3rd trimester. He told me they would both monitor me well, and try and answer any questions I had this time around. It put my mind at ease knowing that I would be seeing a specialist.. A few weeks ago, at one of my appointments, my OB said, "Well..I was going to send you to the specialist in the 3rd trimester, but you're at 21 weeks, and I would like to go ahead and send you, so you can get used to going to him..I think it would be good to get in their system and start seeing him." I thought it was a good idea as well, and was glad that I could meet the new doctor soon. We went to my first appointment with the specialist about a week or so later, and after hearing my whole story about Addison, and reviewing my charts and records, the doctor told me he was concerned about the size of my placenta with Addison, and that it wasn't "full term" size. He told us he was concerned that I may have a clotting disorder that restricted growth to the placenta which caused complications for Addison in the end. It was hard to hear the news,and I was scared for Landon. I didn't know what to think. He sent me for lots of blood testing that same day, and we got the results about a week and a half later. We found out that I do have a clotting disorder, and it's a "Protein S Deficiency". I was shocked that the Specialist picked up on this so quickly, and that I actually had what he thought I did. I'm so thankful that my OB sent me to the specialist early and that he caught what's wrong with me. It's such a God thing, that I was sent earlier on than planned, and that I was sent to such a great Specialist. He is taking great care of me. Basically Addison outgrew the placenta and that caused problems during labor..she had a huge lack of oxygen and that's what caused all her complications. It was scary finding all this out, because I was concerned that the doctor might not have caught this in time for Landon. He put me on blood thinner shots and said that it will help allow full growth to the placenta, which will help Landon grow healthy and strong and allow him to have plenty of oxygen. Everything should be fine, now that I'm taking the shots. There is a 45% infant loss rate when not treated listed as one of the complications of a clotting disorder such as the "Protein S" disorder that I have, but when treated for this, almost 100% of women don't have any complications in the end. So..now we know that Addison passed away from these complications, but it's a miracle that she made it to full term. Most women experience infant loss in the 1st or 2nd trimester with this disorder if it's not treated. Since I'm being treated for it, everything should be fine. We are just praying for Landon's safe,healthy arrival into the world, and we are trusting that God knows best. We know Landon is the Lord's baby, and not ours, and that He is taking care of him for us, and we are trusting that He will allow him to get here healthy. It's been a really scary time for us, just learning all this news, and it's been hard to trust in the Lord's plan everyday..but we know He's trustworthy. I would just ask you to please pray for me as I am doing these shot treatments, that my body would get used to the medicine and that it would allow everything to grow healthy,including Landon. It's been an adjustment to say the least..but Stephen has been so good to help me with the shots (I'm too chicken to do them myself..so I'm GLAD I have him!). One of the side affects is nausea..and I have experienced some nausea with the medicine after each shot dose,and yes, they hurt and my sides feel sore,but I know this is helping me and Landon to be healthy. It's worth it. I know the Lord will get me through the treatments,and I will be able to tell Landon what God did some day. Also, for our comfort and peace in knowing this is probably what caused Addison's death..and just trusting in God's plan for her. It's good having answers..but hard to process.. but we are SO thankful that the Specialist has found out what's wrong with me, and how to fix it. I'm so grateful for that. It's such a blessing to have such awesome doctors and staff looking after me and Landon. I'm so thankful He is taking care of us, and has Addison in His arms, safe and healthy. I miss her so much, but I am so thankful for the time the Lord gave her to us. Thank-you for your continued prayers and support. We really appreciate it. It's been a hard 8 months..but the Lord continues to get us through it, and carry us when we can't go on. He has proved Himself faithful to us time and time again..and we thank Him for that and are grateful for His leading and growing in our lives. Please be in prayer for a continued healthy pregnancy and healthy Landon, and that the Lord would continue to bring comfort to our hurting hearts, but also a peace and joy as we look forward to the future with our little man. Also, please be in prayer for my older sister Rachel, who is 5 weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy. We found out that my clotting disorder is genetic, and so she went to be tested as well, and is waiting on the results. I'm praying she is fine, and doesn't have the disorder as well,and I'm trusting in God's plan. Please pray for her comfort and peace..and that if she does have the disorder, that she will get on the medicine quickly. The wonderful thing is that the doctors can treat this. It's so good to know that they have found a way to take care of these clotting disorders. Thank-you for loving us, and praying for us during the past 8 months,and for continuing to do so. We really appreciate the prayers and support..it really helps to know we are being lifted up to the Father. I know this post was really long, but wanted to share a little more of what's been going on. Thanks for reading to know how to pray! Hope you have had a wonderful Christmas, and also a very Happy New Year!

~ 7 Months~

Today is a very bittersweet day... It's Thanksgiving Day, a time to give thanks to the Lord for all we have been given and all He has done for us. It's a day that comes every year, but we should be giving thanks to God every day, because He's given Jesus Christ His Son and so much more to us than we deserve. Psalm 100:4-5 says, "Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name. For the LORD is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations." It's clear that we should be thankful to Him and bless His name, because He's so good to us, and it's clear that we should be doing this all the time, not just on Thanksgiving Day. This Thanksgiving (and always) I have SO much to be thankful for, and I praise the Lord for His many provisions in my life. He has given me salvation through His death on the cross for my sins, and because of my faith and trust in Him alone, I will live forever with Him in eternity someday. I'm thankful for that. I'm also thankful for my family, and my husband who love me unconditionally,for Addison Lynn, our first precious blessing,and for our second precious blessing, Landon Michael who we prayed for and the Lord granted our request and gave him to us, and friends,a place to live,food,a car, and all the things the Lord has given to me. He is so good, and I don't deserve what He's given me. Thank-you Lord for what you have done for me, and continue to do. You have given me so much, and I am thankful.

Today also marks 7 months since our precious Addison was born, so she turns 7 months old in heaven today. I can't believe how fast the months have gone by...sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday that we heard our sweet girl was in distress and seems like yesterday that she was here and then gone 6 short days later... but other times it seems like it's been years, because it's so hard without her here. It's so hard, because I miss her so much, but I'm so thankful for what I do have at the same time. Those two emotions at once are hard to deal with... I ache and hurt all over today, because she's not here, and I miss her so terribly much, yet I have a peace in knowing I will see her again. I'm so thankful for that, and I'm giving thanks for my blessings today, even in the midst of the pain and hurt I'm feeling. Addison was such a precious little miracle baby, and I just can't get over how beautiful she was, and that the Lord chose Stephen and I to be her Mommy and Daddy. We are blessed beyond measure to have had her for the 6 short days that we did, but also the 9 months we had her in my womb. We are still grieving her death, but we are also looking forward to our future, and what God has in store for us. Not that we forget her, and move on, but we press on knowing that the Lord will be with us, and has more blessings for us. We are looking forward to Landon Michael being with us, and we are so thankful and blessed to know we have a son on the way! He is already so special to us, in fact he was special to us from the moment we found out we were having another baby, and then when we found out he was a boy, we we were even more thrilled. God is good to us. I'm looking forward to holding him in my arms and taking him home to love forever and ever.. What an amazing time we have ahead of us. I know Addison is safe in heaven with Jesus, but especially on days like today, I just wish I could "borrow" her for a little bit, and have her here with me, but I know she is doing much better with her heavenly Father. I'm sure they are having a blast today, and I can only imagine how my Jesus is loving on my daughter. That thought blesses my heart and comforts me. Thank-you for your continued prayers for us. We really appreciate it! You are a blessing! I would like to share a short 32 second video that I found (that I forgot I had) of us with Addison. Stephen is holding her, and I'm putting a bow on her, and Auntie Beth was trying to take a picture but was actually recording instead..so we get this precious video. I will cherish it forever, because it's one of three short,short videos we have of her.. I only wish I would have taken more video of her short, sweet life. I'm just thankful for the time we had with her, and we will always remember her through the memories and pictures we have of her. She was one special baby girl, and she is whole and perfect in heaven with Jesus. Praise the Lord. "I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter His courts with praise. I will say this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice for He has made me glad.."