~11 Months~ & ~12 Months~

Well, a LOT sure has happened since last time (at ~10 Months~) that I wrote on the blog. A lot of emotions (of every kind) to deal with in the last couple months. I really feel awful for not being able to "slow down" and take time to do the 11 month anniversary post and the 12 month anniversary post until now...but not only have I been really busy..I just haven't been able to find the words to say..because honestly I am at a loss..so I am going to TRY hard to catch you all up on what's going on..and TRY hard to find the words to say (since I'm not good with words). This is going to be a LONG one...buckle your seat belt. ;)

In the last post...I wrote about our journey of grief up until the 10th month,I wrote about a tax situation we were having with claiming Addison(like we were legally supposed to),and I wrote about being excited to become an Aunt for the first time,and how we were anxious to find out if we were having a niece or a nephew,and also being ready for Landon to be here healthy and safe.

Well.... I will get to the grief part of the post soon.. but I must report that the tax situation was worked out! The Lord IS faithful and answers prayers, and Addison's identity wasn't stolen, we were able to claim her (like we were legally supposed to do),and it was just a small online tax return mistake, and someone had accidentally entered their child's social wrong (so it looked like they were trying to claim Addison). Praise the LORD that it was all resolved! That was a long,scary and frustrating situation, but the Lord got us through it,and we are grateful.

NEXT...as many of you are well aware (and have seen many pictures!)We became the PROUD Aunt & Uncle to a NEPHEW, John Thomas Miller on February 28th 2011 at 11:57 p.m!!! He weighed 7lbs. 15 oz., and was 21 in. long. What an exciting,and special time for us to hold our HEALTHY nephew who we had prayed for and longed to see for 9 whole months. He is a miracle. The cord was wrapped around his neck when he was born and we are so thankful the doctor decided to do an emergency c-section to get him out sooner due to his heart rate suddenly dropping..and then after they got him out, they saw the cord around his neck and were relieved they got him when they did. We are thankful for the Lord's watch care and protection over John Thomas. We are very blessed to have him in our lives,and we don't know what we would do without him..he is just so wonderful..and so much of a blessing. We love that little guy to pieces,and can't get enough of him!!!:)



The next BIG event was the birth of our son, Landon Michael Deason! We are SO thrilled he is here healthy and safe,and we thank the Lord for him each day! As you all know (and have also seen MANY pictures!),Landon was born exactly 1 month after his cousin,John Thomas on March 28th 2011 at 5:38 p.m weighing 7lbs. 12oz. and was 21 in. long. He is also a miracle, and we are so very thankful and grateful for him. The Lord was watching out for him,and brought him to us safely. We are so thankful for the Lord's watch care and protection over him as well.



A couple months after losing Addison, we were very,very blessed to find out she would be a big sister in heaven, and we knew the whole 9 months of my pregnancy with Landon that the Lord had blessed us with yet another miracle..and we were thrilled. It wasn't until after Landon was born that we realized just how much of a huge miracle he really is... We found out during the C-Section that my uterus was so thin that the doctor could see Landon moving and his hair... They told us afterwards that it was a miracle my uterus didn't rupture earlier on in the pregnancy causing me to go in to labor sooner than 2 & 1/2 weeks early which could have caused Landon to die from the rupture. The doctor came to check on me the next day after Landon was born..he sat down at the foot of the bed next to me with tears in his eyes,choked up trying to find the words..he told me, "I'm so glad he is here..and he is healthy and safe.. I was really scared when I saw your uterus..and I am so glad that he made it the whole 9 months without a rupture. He is a miracle..." It was very devastating to hear the news about my uterus right after the joy of having a healthy baby..it's not something you want to think about...having to deal with the news that you might not be able to have any more children. Since Landon has been born..we have had to talk with the OB doctor and nurse,and also get 2 other opinions,and have had to pray a lot about our future regarding more children. The Lord has given us a peace about it..but we are not able to have any more children because of medical purposes. This has been very,very hard to deal with so soon after having Landon...because with Addison not being here..it's hard that Landon is alone,and it's something that we never expected to deal with. We don't understand why the Lord has directed our lives to go this way..but we are trusting in Him to comfort us and get us through this trial. It's hard to go through several different trials all at the same time..and we don't understand, but we know that the Lord says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth,so are my ways higher than your ways,and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9 And we know that, "All things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called according to HIS purpose." Romans 8:28 We realize that we are very blessed with two beautiful children, Addison Lynn in heaven that Jesus loves and holds for us,and Landon Michael that is here with us to love and hold, and we are thankful for these two special miracles... We also realize that we could have never even been able to have any children..but we are thankful that it was part of the Lord's plan. We know that someday we would like to adopt so that Landon can have more brothers and sisters,and we are praying for patience in waiting to see what the Lord does with our future,and we are praying for Him to open the doors if that's meant to be in His timing.

I am SO very thankful for both of my precious children...and I am so blessed and honored to be chosen by the Lord to be Addison Lynn and Landon Michael's Mommy.


It's so hard to believe that on April 25th 2011, Addison celebrated her 1st birthday in heaven with Jesus. The week of April 25th - April 30th was a really hard week being her 1 yr. anniversary week.. We are thankful for the love,prayers,support,flowers,and sweet text and e-mails that we received during that week..and we are blessed to have such wonderful families who love us so much and who are there for us 24/7.

Flowers from my dear Boss & Friend in honor of Addison, and to let me and Stephen know she was thinking of us and praying for us... She is so sweet.


Flowers from Uncle Thomas & Aunt Rachel in memory of Addison. They have been such an encouragement and blessing to Stephen and I, but especially over the last year. We are thankful for our families..and their support.


We took flowers to the graveside,and had some family time to celebrate Addison's life,and the blessing that she was and is to us.






It was a bittersweet time...being at her graveside and having a healthy baby boy in my arms.. It was hard. We just wished she could have been with us so we wouldn't have to go through that.. but we know she must have had the most wonderful celebration in heaven.











We are thankful that we were not walking the same road with Landon...that the Lord protected him..and gave him to us safely. The last year has taught me so much...it has been very painful..and very hurtful..very difficult from losing Addison and very exciting and joyful at the same time with the birth of my nephew and son. We are amazed at the Lord's continued comfort and healing during the 1st year of losing Addison..and we are thankful for the scripture that He has used to comfort us. Here are just a few that come to mind...

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 51:11

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[a] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

The Lord has also used many, many songs to encourage us as well... It's so neat how He brings scripture and song lyrics to mind to calm my hurting heart... It is a special thing to feel the Love and comfort of the Lord during such a difficult time. We will always remember Addison and be thankful for her short, sweet life, and we will always be grateful to the Lord that he gave her to us. We thank you all from the bottom of our hearts for your love,prayers and support over the last year..and we appreciate your continued prayers for us. Please pray that we will continue to walk through our trials in obedience to the Lord,and that He would find us faithful. We pray that we will be a blessing to all He leads us to share Him with and the hope that we have in Him. It's so hard to trust the Lord and His plan for us..but we want to be obedient and trust Him not matter what just as we have this past year.. We want to continue to be faithful to Him,as He is faithful to us. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18 We are looking forward to the "big picture" being revealed someday..and we pray that when the Lord shows it to us..that He would be pleased with how we have gone through the trials He entrusted us with. "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:10-11



"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
Job 1:21

~10 Months~

The marker was put in place on Feb. 11th (just before the 10 month anniversary). I only put "artificial" flowers out at the time I went to see it, but I am hoping to go put out some fresh flowers and get more pictures when it's not so "dirty" and muddy around the marker. We are very pleased with how it turned out..and we are thankful for a way to display our testimony of Addison's short life, and pray that it brings comfort and hope to all who see it. We are so glad the marker is there...and we are so glad to have that way to honor her memory.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

On Friday,February,25th, our sweet Addison turned 10 months old in heaven with Jesus.
It's SO hard to believe it's been 10 months since I had to quickly say "good bye" to my baby girl who was encased in a plastic box with all kinds of "life saving" equipment hooked up to her,as she was rushed off to Cook Children's Hospital for more extensive care, where she lived for 6 short days. It's also SO hard to believe that it's been 10 months since we had to say "good bye for now..." as we held her one last time,and told her she didn't have to fight anymore, and that she could go see Jesus..and as soon as we told her that...she was gone. I miss my baby girl terribly. I can't describe how much it hurts not having her here to be with her cousin coming tomorrow,and her little brother coming on April 7th in just a few more weeks. Oh how I wish I could "borrow" her from the Lord and from the gates of heaven for just an hour...to hold her..to love on her once more...but then I know she wouldn't trade her heavenly home and her time with Jesus for anything..and her being in heaven is the safest place for her. I just long to have her here with us..to grow up with her cousin and brother...I wish she could be a part of our lives here..and not just a part of our memory that we will never forget, however...I know I will get to see her again someday..and I can't wait for that day. Addison has changed mine and Stephen's life in so many special ways..and we are grateful for the time we had with her.. She was one special daughter, and we are so proud of the way the Lord used her and is still using her to impact other lives as well. I am so thankful for my sweet, sweet baby girl..and her short, sweet life that we were a part of for 6 days. Every month is hard...because she would be a month older if she were here..and we are getting close to 12 months..and this month has been hard in the fact that Addison and Landon's birthday's are just a couple weeks apart, and shortly after Landon is born, Addison's 1st birthday will come. It's been hard dealing with all the different emotions this month..because there are so many. I am thrilled to be an AUNT for the very first time, and to find out if I am having a niece or nephew tomorrow..it's so exciting, because Stephen and I are the last ones in our families to become and Aunt and Uncle..and we are SO thrilled to have this opportunity! Looking forward to meeting our "niecephew" and holding him or her. What a special time. At the same time I am excited and thrilled..I am sad,hurting,and overwhelmed with all the other emotions I am feeling this month. The Lord is teaching me patience with the tax situation (regarding Addison)that we are in..and that's another thing that's overwhelming..and just plain frustrating..but we know God is in control of the situation..and right now all we can do is "wait" at this point to hear back about it. The waiting part is hard for me..because it's a situation that is out of my control (and unfortunately, I tend to be a "Control freak" sometimes when it comes to things like this). It's one of those things I just wish I could "deal" with,and get it over..and figure it all out right this second..but I can't and the Lord has been teaching me to be patient and trust Him with it. There is so much going on right now.. it's a very exciting time..a very difficult time for me,and also overwhelming time..and I am thankful for this time with family. There is so much more I would like to say...my heart is heavy. I just think I would like to close with scripture that was read at Addison's funeral. It is very encouraging to me to read this and reflect on our journey of grief..and I am praying that the Lord would continue to give me the strength to TRUST Him completely, and that He would continue to comfort me during my grief. I am so thankful for all of our friends and family and your continued love,prayers and support. We really appreciate it.
Here is the chapter I will close with... it's:
Psalm 84:1-12
"1 How lovely is Your tabernacle,
O LORD of hosts!
2 My soul longs, yes, even faints
For the courts of the LORD;
My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.

3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
And the swallow a nest for herself,
Where she may lay her young—
Even Your altars, O LORD of hosts,
My King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in Your house;
They will still be praising You.

5 Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,
Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca (or weeping),
They make it a spring;
The rain also covers it with pools (or blessings).
7 They go from strength to strength;
Each one appears before God in Zion.

8 O LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer;
Give ear, O God of Jacob!
9 O God, behold our shield,
And look upon the face of Your anointed.

10 For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
Than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly.

12 O LORD of hosts,
Blessed is the man who trusts in You!"

May my strength and trust continue to be in Him...and may this journey bring a blessing to many for His glory...

~9 Months~

Well, I usually try to do the "monthly" post on the 25th of each month, because that is the day each month that Addison turns another month old in heaven, but the week has been busy..and pretty rough to say the least. I don't want this to be a "downer" post, and I want to honor the Lord with what I say. I have come to the conclusion (after beating myself up over it a lot..) that the feelings I am about to express are in no way "unusual" or that they are "that's not normal and I need help" type feelings. I believe the Lord gives us emotions to express to him what we are feeling, and I know that when grieving there are a lot of emotions to deal with. So..with that said, I need to tell you all that I am going to be very vulnerable and open up to you in a way that I am almost half way comfortable with. (meaning..I'm really getting out of my comfort zone in this post.)The reason being, is because I don't want anyone to think that I'm crazy, am going off the deep end or need counseling. I just feel like I need to be honest, since so many people are wondering how I am doing "grief wise". Here it goes:
Since the holidays,(Thanksgiving & Christmas)...the grief has hit me in many ways that I don't always understand, and I must say that it's been pretty "rough". I have missed Addison terribly,and the closer it gets to my due date with Landon, the more and more I long,and ache for her to be here. It's been so hard dealing with emotions and waves of grief that I thought I was "passed" in a sense..because a lot of those feelings have come back on an off..and I have gotten frustrated wondering where the anger and other emotions are coming from. Anger has been the wave of grief that has been hitting me hard lately. I have to say that of all the stages of grief..I feel like it's the hardest..because while I do get angry for reasons I myself can't even place or pinpoint, I know that it's "ok" to have those feelings,as long as I share it with the Lord..and don't keep it inside to myself. Things like anger are hard to "discuss" with the Lord, because sometimes I feel ashamed to feel this way, but I do know that the "human" reaction to something like losing a baby, is going to be at some point (and possibly more than once on and off for a while) will be anger. I know the best thing I can do is talk to the Lord about it..and let Him know what's on my mind by verbally telling Him through prayer, because He already knows it anyway. I have been heavily taking to heart Psalm 55:22 that says, "Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." The fact that I CAN let Him carry my huge and overwhelming "burden" of grief, makes such a huge difference for me..because when it's really getting to me and bothering me,weighing me down,and discouraging, I know I can give it all to Him to carry for me. That helps... Sometimes..it's just getting to the point where I will "let it go" for Him to carry..because it's easy for me to try to "deal" with it all alone..but I know He has to carry it for me. I have to be honest..it has been really hard dealing with anger that seems to come from nowhere...and I get to where I can't pinpoint "what" or "who" I'm angry at, I just know I'm angry. I then feel like it's wrong to feel this way, and I don't want the anger to affect my attitude,but sometimes it does, and then I get mad at myself. I know that these feeling are all "normal" when it comes to grief, because I have read through Job, and I know that he had his "angry" moments...and many other emotions to deal with, just as anyone who is grieving does. I just feel overwhelmed,because I feel like I'm still living in a world that's going on around me,and has "moved on", and I haven't, nor will I ever be "over it". I won't ever forget my sweet Addison,her life,and the impact she had on me and so many others..I will always be her Mommy,but I know that even though it gets "better"..that doesn't mean I will forget her,and that the pain will all go away. Yes, it has gotten somewhat "easier"..but that "scar" and pain will always be faintly in my mind. I feel as though I'm having to deal with the many questions and confusion along with anger, like it just happened..and that's a hard place to be at "all over again". I have had to really pray about where I'm at in my journey of grief,and ask the Lord to continue to comfort me and my hurting heart, and that I wouldn't become bitter, but that I would constantly tell Him how I feel, and let Him help me "deal" with the feelings and emotions as they come, so I don't bottle it up, and 10 years from now wonder why I have turned into a bitter person. I don't want to be that way..and I know the Lord doesn't want me to be that way either..so it's a daily thing I need to deal with. I have just had a lot of up and down days lately, and feel overwhelmed that I don't even know where to begin in dealing with the emotions of the day. It's like each day has brought a different feeling or emotion,and sometimes I get angry with myself if I can't pinpoint what it is. I know it's going to take time...but in time I know that I will be able to release a lot of these feelings and emotions to where they might not come back around as often. It's hard to believe that 9 months ago on Jan. 25th, Addison was born,and that's it's been 9 months on Jan. 30th since she went to heaven. Sometimes it hurts like it happened yesterday, and other times it feels like it's been years, because I miss her so much.. With Landon's arrival getting closer and closer, I have been thinking about how their birthdays will just be a couple weeks a part, and that soon after he's born (just a few short weeks later) Addison will be turning 1 year old in heaven. That's been hard to swallow..because I just wish she could be here with her little brother,and that BOTH of my babies could grow up together, and be here together.. I feel like the grief will be different when Landon comes, because he will give us joy and excitement and we will be busy with him,and our focus will be on him, but I also know that there will be times I will ache for her to be here, because it will seem weird with him here and her not. I have been praying that the Lord would continue to carry me through this time, and that I will be able to fully deal with,and accept the waves of grief as they hit me. It's been really hard trying to balance so many emotions, because I'm thrilled beyond measure with excitement and joy for Landon to be here,yet I ache and hurt,and still miss Addison..and it's hard dealing with two totally different emotions that are so extreme from each other. As I get closer to my due date, I get more anxious and nervous about the c-section,and Landon's health,and just want him to get her safe and be healthy..and I am trying hard to trust the Lord daily with his life, and the plan that the Lord has for Landon. It's not easy "giving" Landon to the Lord each day with an attitude that he's not our baby, he's the Lord's and that He will take care of him for us,because I did that with Addison,and she's not with us. I trusted the Lord completely with her, and after losing her, and having Landon on the way, I must say that this pregnancy has been a lot more difficult to trust the Lord with, because I'm afraid. I have to recite Phil.4:6-7 in my head often, because it says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." It's not always easy to apply that, but I'm working on it. I really wrestled with this post all week,and wondered what I would say, because honestly, I have been really hurting,and didn't know what to say without coming across like I'm going off the deep end..or being a complete "downer" or discouragement. I finally just decided I wanted to be really honest with you all, and let you know where I'm at with the grief. It's a day to day process..but the Lord continues to walk me through it. I am thankful for the scripture that the Lord will put in my head and remind me of when I need it most. I am trying hard to daily trust in His plan for me, and I am trying hard to deal with the emotions as they hit. I'm also really trying hard to keep my focus on the positive things that have come of Addison's death, and the wonderful things the Lord has done through her life.. It's very helpful reflecting on God's goodness to us, and the special impact her short, sweet life had and is still having. One thing I continue to struggle with is people's comments, that they intend for good,but they say them with out realizing that it's hurting and not helping. I know people mean well, and it's not their desire to be hurtful..but sometimes I wish people would think a little more before they say something about Landon's arrival as if it's going to make "everything all better",because it's not. He is by no means replacing Addison..and I believe they are both equally special to me and Stephen, and I am thankful for them both. They are our children and we are blessed with both of them, and I will not stop talking about Addison, because she is still my daughter. I'm amazed at how it seems to bother or scare people when I start talking about her, but I think it's because most people are afraid of what to say, or they might feel it's weird or uncomfortable to talk about her because she's not here..but let me just say, that it really helps me to talk about her, because she IS my little girl, and she IS always going to be part of my life even though she's in heaven. Not that she's "here in spirit" or anything weird like that..it's that her life and story is always going to be a part of my life..and I want to talk about her. Another reason why it helps to talk about her, is because when I talk about her I almost always have the opportunity to talk about the Lord and what He has done..because I can't leave Him out of the story. It's been a great witnessing discussion starter for people I don't even know well..because they might hear part of the story, and then I get to share about God and how He has (and still is) getting us through this, and the hope we have,because of Him,and why we have this hope. All that to say, I don't mind if you bring Addison up..in fact..I like it when people want to talk about my little girl..it makes me feel like she isn't forgotten..and that she really did exist..and isn't just "a thing of the past" or that since she's not here it's a "bad thing" to talk about her.. I don't feel that way.. in fact, it's more hurtful when people act as though she never was here..and don't even mention her.. Now..I'm not saying that every time someone sees me I want them to find some random thing to say about her..and I'm not saying that I want you to make small talk about her..just because.. I am mainly saying that if I talk about her..you don't have to tense up or freeze..or change the subject like it's "too painful or hard to talk about" when I'm the one bringing it up.. I am not trying to sound harsh or hateful at all..I just wanted to point out some things that might help you know "it's ok". I hope that makes sense... Ok..since it's SO late while typing this, I am sorry for the long rambling,and if I didn't make sense or it seems like I was coming across as one huge complaint...then I'm so sorry. I really want to be honest with you all so you know how to specifically pray..because I know so many of you pray for us, and I appreciate that soooo much! We really covet your prayers..and I want you all to know that I am wanting to honor the Lord through my journey of grief, and that I am daily fighting off Satan and his lies, so I don't give him the victory. The Lord is working in my life..and growing and stretching me in so many ways..and I am trying to be faithful to Him..while dealing with the grief..and I pray often that I would be a good testimony to the Lord and what He has done in my life.. I ask that you pray with me to be a light during this whole journey..and that I would allow the Lord to continue to heal and mend my broken heart.. and that you would pray for us as we await Landon's arrival and prepare for him. I am praying that I will be a good Mommy to Landon, and that I will "train him in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.." I pray often for his health and safe delivery into the world..and that I won't be anxious about all the details. Please pray that I will continue to trust in the One who is trustworthy..and that I will let Him carry my burdens daily.. Thanks so much for your time..and for reading this long post..
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6
I'm praying that I will continue to trust Him with ALL my heart..and not just "part" of it.. Thanks again for your prayers with me!

~8 Months~

A Christmas ornament given to us in appreciation by "Life Gift". (The donor company that Addison was a heart valve donor for)


Christmas ornaments of Addison given to us from her MiMi & Papa




It's hard to believe that 8 months ago yesterday (Christmas Day), that my sweet baby girl was born. It just seems so unreal that 8 months ago she was born..and that she's not here with us today.. I wanted to update yesterday because it was Christmas Day and was the 8 month mark of Addison's birth. It was a hard day..and I just never had time,energy or emotional strength to think of the words to say.. It's the 26th, the day after Christmas..and I still feel at a loss for words, but I'm going to try hard. Here I go..
The past 8 months have been such a roller coaster. It's been exciting,scary,painful,and many other things..but the Lord has gotten us where we are today..and continues to bring us far from the despair we were in right after losing Addison. We still deeply hurt and miss her, but we also know we will see her again..and we look forward to our future with Landon. It's been such a hard time in our lives, but also a joyful one, as we found out we have our second blessing on the way..and are looking forward to meeting our Landon Michael early April. So many emotions in the last 8 months...and yet so much comfort from our Father in heaven who is holding and loving our baby girl for us. The holidays have been extremely hard for us..we have missed Addison more and more as Thanksgiving and Christmas got closer, and on those days..we ached and hurt, missing her, and wishing she was her. It was so hard not having her here to give presents to, and to love on, and spend her first Christmas together as a family of 3 (almost 4). I miss her terribly, and long to see her again..and I have never had so many mixed emotions on Christmas. It's been really hard. Just seems like she should be here with us..but she's not..and having to be "ok" with that is not always easy. I'm so thankful for the hope we have and the fact that we could celebrate Christ birth and Him coming to save us to give us that hope. It's neat to think that our daughter is with the Savior of the world..and that she spent her first Christmas with Him in heaven. While we ache and hurt, and miss her, and always will, we know that her being in heaven is exactly what the Lord wanted..and that we will be reunited with her someday. That brings us comfort. There has been a lot going on in the last couple weeks regarding my pregnancy with Landon, and I would like to share some of what's going on. When we lost Addison, we were wanting some answers, as to what happened to her that caused so many complications after having a perfectly healthy pregnancy. It was so hard to understand why she was perfectly fine, and then when I went into labor she was in distress, and the doctors and all the professionals we dealt with, had no idea what went wrong. We received the autopsy results that gave us no answers, and we were so confused, as well as the doctors that explained it to us. We decided that we may never know what happened to Addison, and that we will just trust God's providence and plan for her short life. It's been hard to wrap our minds around the fact that He loves her so much more than we do, and just wanted her to be with Him, but He's helped us to accept this, and come to a place where we have a peace about it. After we found out we were pregnant again, my OB told me that I'm a high risk pregnancy, because of my story with Addison, and that he would be sending me to a high risk specialist in the 3rd trimester. He told me they would both monitor me well, and try and answer any questions I had this time around. It put my mind at ease knowing that I would be seeing a specialist.. A few weeks ago, at one of my appointments, my OB said, "Well..I was going to send you to the specialist in the 3rd trimester, but you're at 21 weeks, and I would like to go ahead and send you, so you can get used to going to him..I think it would be good to get in their system and start seeing him." I thought it was a good idea as well, and was glad that I could meet the new doctor soon. We went to my first appointment with the specialist about a week or so later, and after hearing my whole story about Addison, and reviewing my charts and records, the doctor told me he was concerned about the size of my placenta with Addison, and that it wasn't "full term" size. He told us he was concerned that I may have a clotting disorder that restricted growth to the placenta which caused complications for Addison in the end. It was hard to hear the news,and I was scared for Landon. I didn't know what to think. He sent me for lots of blood testing that same day, and we got the results about a week and a half later. We found out that I do have a clotting disorder, and it's a "Protein S Deficiency". I was shocked that the Specialist picked up on this so quickly, and that I actually had what he thought I did. I'm so thankful that my OB sent me to the specialist early and that he caught what's wrong with me. It's such a God thing, that I was sent earlier on than planned, and that I was sent to such a great Specialist. He is taking great care of me. Basically Addison outgrew the placenta and that caused problems during labor..she had a huge lack of oxygen and that's what caused all her complications. It was scary finding all this out, because I was concerned that the doctor might not have caught this in time for Landon. He put me on blood thinner shots and said that it will help allow full growth to the placenta, which will help Landon grow healthy and strong and allow him to have plenty of oxygen. Everything should be fine, now that I'm taking the shots. There is a 45% infant loss rate when not treated listed as one of the complications of a clotting disorder such as the "Protein S" disorder that I have, but when treated for this, almost 100% of women don't have any complications in the end. So..now we know that Addison passed away from these complications, but it's a miracle that she made it to full term. Most women experience infant loss in the 1st or 2nd trimester with this disorder if it's not treated. Since I'm being treated for it, everything should be fine. We are just praying for Landon's safe,healthy arrival into the world, and we are trusting that God knows best. We know Landon is the Lord's baby, and not ours, and that He is taking care of him for us, and we are trusting that He will allow him to get here healthy. It's been a really scary time for us, just learning all this news, and it's been hard to trust in the Lord's plan everyday..but we know He's trustworthy. I would just ask you to please pray for me as I am doing these shot treatments, that my body would get used to the medicine and that it would allow everything to grow healthy,including Landon. It's been an adjustment to say the least..but Stephen has been so good to help me with the shots (I'm too chicken to do them myself..so I'm GLAD I have him!). One of the side affects is nausea..and I have experienced some nausea with the medicine after each shot dose,and yes, they hurt and my sides feel sore,but I know this is helping me and Landon to be healthy. It's worth it. I know the Lord will get me through the treatments,and I will be able to tell Landon what God did some day. Also, for our comfort and peace in knowing this is probably what caused Addison's death..and just trusting in God's plan for her. It's good having answers..but hard to process.. but we are SO thankful that the Specialist has found out what's wrong with me, and how to fix it. I'm so grateful for that. It's such a blessing to have such awesome doctors and staff looking after me and Landon. I'm so thankful He is taking care of us, and has Addison in His arms, safe and healthy. I miss her so much, but I am so thankful for the time the Lord gave her to us. Thank-you for your continued prayers and support. We really appreciate it. It's been a hard 8 months..but the Lord continues to get us through it, and carry us when we can't go on. He has proved Himself faithful to us time and time again..and we thank Him for that and are grateful for His leading and growing in our lives. Please be in prayer for a continued healthy pregnancy and healthy Landon, and that the Lord would continue to bring comfort to our hurting hearts, but also a peace and joy as we look forward to the future with our little man. Also, please be in prayer for my older sister Rachel, who is 5 weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy. We found out that my clotting disorder is genetic, and so she went to be tested as well, and is waiting on the results. I'm praying she is fine, and doesn't have the disorder as well,and I'm trusting in God's plan. Please pray for her comfort and peace..and that if she does have the disorder, that she will get on the medicine quickly. The wonderful thing is that the doctors can treat this. It's so good to know that they have found a way to take care of these clotting disorders. Thank-you for loving us, and praying for us during the past 8 months,and for continuing to do so. We really appreciate the prayers and support..it really helps to know we are being lifted up to the Father. I know this post was really long, but wanted to share a little more of what's been going on. Thanks for reading to know how to pray! Hope you have had a wonderful Christmas, and also a very Happy New Year!

~ 7 Months~

Today is a very bittersweet day... It's Thanksgiving Day, a time to give thanks to the Lord for all we have been given and all He has done for us. It's a day that comes every year, but we should be giving thanks to God every day, because He's given Jesus Christ His Son and so much more to us than we deserve. Psalm 100:4-5 says, "Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name. For the LORD is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations." It's clear that we should be thankful to Him and bless His name, because He's so good to us, and it's clear that we should be doing this all the time, not just on Thanksgiving Day. This Thanksgiving (and always) I have SO much to be thankful for, and I praise the Lord for His many provisions in my life. He has given me salvation through His death on the cross for my sins, and because of my faith and trust in Him alone, I will live forever with Him in eternity someday. I'm thankful for that. I'm also thankful for my family, and my husband who love me unconditionally,for Addison Lynn, our first precious blessing,and for our second precious blessing, Landon Michael who we prayed for and the Lord granted our request and gave him to us, and friends,a place to live,food,a car, and all the things the Lord has given to me. He is so good, and I don't deserve what He's given me. Thank-you Lord for what you have done for me, and continue to do. You have given me so much, and I am thankful.

Today also marks 7 months since our precious Addison was born, so she turns 7 months old in heaven today. I can't believe how fast the months have gone by...sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday that we heard our sweet girl was in distress and seems like yesterday that she was here and then gone 6 short days later... but other times it seems like it's been years, because it's so hard without her here. It's so hard, because I miss her so much, but I'm so thankful for what I do have at the same time. Those two emotions at once are hard to deal with... I ache and hurt all over today, because she's not here, and I miss her so terribly much, yet I have a peace in knowing I will see her again. I'm so thankful for that, and I'm giving thanks for my blessings today, even in the midst of the pain and hurt I'm feeling. Addison was such a precious little miracle baby, and I just can't get over how beautiful she was, and that the Lord chose Stephen and I to be her Mommy and Daddy. We are blessed beyond measure to have had her for the 6 short days that we did, but also the 9 months we had her in my womb. We are still grieving her death, but we are also looking forward to our future, and what God has in store for us. Not that we forget her, and move on, but we press on knowing that the Lord will be with us, and has more blessings for us. We are looking forward to Landon Michael being with us, and we are so thankful and blessed to know we have a son on the way! He is already so special to us, in fact he was special to us from the moment we found out we were having another baby, and then when we found out he was a boy, we we were even more thrilled. God is good to us. I'm looking forward to holding him in my arms and taking him home to love forever and ever.. What an amazing time we have ahead of us. I know Addison is safe in heaven with Jesus, but especially on days like today, I just wish I could "borrow" her for a little bit, and have her here with me, but I know she is doing much better with her heavenly Father. I'm sure they are having a blast today, and I can only imagine how my Jesus is loving on my daughter. That thought blesses my heart and comforts me. Thank-you for your continued prayers for us. We really appreciate it! You are a blessing! I would like to share a short 32 second video that I found (that I forgot I had) of us with Addison. Stephen is holding her, and I'm putting a bow on her, and Auntie Beth was trying to take a picture but was actually recording instead..so we get this precious video. I will cherish it forever, because it's one of three short,short videos we have of her.. I only wish I would have taken more video of her short, sweet life. I'm just thankful for the time we had with her, and we will always remember her through the memories and pictures we have of her. She was one special baby girl, and she is whole and perfect in heaven with Jesus. Praise the Lord. "I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter His courts with praise. I will say this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice for He has made me glad.."

~6 Months~

You can click on the pictures to see a larger size..it's hard to see what I wrote on them..


Well..today is a day that I was looking forward to since before Addison was born, because it would mark the 6 month of her life...and I was so looking forward to seeing what she would be like at 1 month,2,3,4,5, and 6 months, and then a year..and so on. That was before I knew I would be dreading this day of her turning 6 months old in heaven... I had no idea..that she wouldn't be here with us, for us to raise..and watch her grow into a Godly lady. I had no idea that my dreams of bringing her home wouldn't come true.. I am glad that the Lord doesn't show us His full plan before it happens, because I wouldn't have been ok with Him taking her to heaven. If I had known what would happen..I would have written a different story and given it to the Lord to make happen. I don't like how my story is going right now...I don't like the fact that I don't have a baby in my arms, a baby to raise, to fill my time with...in fact...it's the worst thing that's happened to me..ever. You know what? It's not my story...it's HIS story..and I am learning to be thankful that He is the writer of my story, because in letting Him write my story..He will get more glory that way..and I want it that way. Yes, I wish things could be different...I wish I could go back to April 25th, 2010 and go into labor all over again..if it only meant that I could have a healthy baby girl, Addison Lynn to take home with me...but I can't. I can't..and I won't be able to erase what God has already written for me... a beautiful in His eyes story. The story that is shaping who I am..and the story that I will tell forever. He is still scripting the beautiful story of mine, and you know what? He's not finished with me yet. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that He is not done with my story,because over the past 6 months He has given me comfort during the difficult chapters of my book. If He had only allowed Addison to die, and then leave me and not help me through this time..I wouldn't know what to do. I would be hurting all alone..with NO comfort from the ONLY one who CAN comfort! It would be horrible to try and piece all this together on my own...but that's not how it is. He has been there for me, and He continues to be here for me. He is bringing comfort and peace to my worn out, broken heart and soul, and I'm so thankful He understands my heart like no one else can or ever will. My Savior understands hurt and pain..and no one else knows me like He does. The last 6 months have been extremely difficult to say the least. Many things have happened with my story, and it's been hard to let the Lord have the glory for it all. Sometimes..I just want to hide away..and not have to open up and share about it..and then the Lord tells me to do differently. There are days when people ask about my family, and how many kids I have..and sometimes I honestly feel like I don't want to explain, because it hurts..but then other times..I just want to share about Addison..because I can't talk about her without pointing to Christ who is getting me through this each day. I am thankful for my story..even though it's painful..I'm thankful that I can share Christ with others through what has happened to me. It's very hard...and the last few weeks..I have just been overwhelmed by the grief. Sometimes..it just hits me like it did right when it happened..and I feel so lonely and hurt..and the only thing I can do is run to the Lord..and ask Him to comfort me. He is giving me strength to endure...and press on..and I can't do it without Him. I'm so glad that, "In the day when I cried out, YOU answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul. Psalm 138:3" He really does answer me and give me a bold strength when I call on Him.. "This is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior, all the day long!" I would like to express my deepest gratitude for all of you who have loved on us and cared for us during this time. Without your prayers, love and support we couldn't survive..and ultimately without the Lord's help and strength..but you all have encouraged us. Thanks so much for loving us like Jesus would. Casting Crowns has a song called, "Love Them Like Jesus" and one of the verses really hits home to me. Not only can I relate to the verse, but it expresses how I feel about those of you who have truly cared for us..

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to grey
As the little one slips away

You’re holding their hand, you’re straining for words
You’re trying to make sense of it all
They’re desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They’re looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Thank-you for loving us like Jesus...

My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art MINE!

I took this picture of the hibiscus this past Summer, and it just made me smile and think of God's goodness..so I wanted to share the picture...

The Lord has been teaching me so many things through my pain. I have woken up many nights restless, and go straight to His word, and with out fail, EVERY time I do He shows me something else that I really need to see. He has encouraged my aching,hurting,heavy heart, and I'm so thankful that MY Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is still the same. There are SO many emotions I am feeling these days, and I am overwhelmed with grief and joy at the same time. It's hard to have both at the same time. I know that it's normal to still miss my baby girl (I always will)but have joy in my heart for the second special blessing that's on the way. A Mommy's heart will always love her children no matter what, and for me, It's loving Addison in heaven and loving the baby on the way. The days are both happy and exciting,and then also very hard and hurtful,but I am encouraged by my Lord's faithfulness to me. I want to share some scripture that the Lord has shown me recently (a friend asked if I would share some of the verses I have found with her, and I decided to put them on here so everyone could be encouraged as I was). Here is some of the scripture the Lord has been using in my life: (Be prepared to read!) :)

Let us hold fast the confession of our HOPE without wavering, for HE who promised IS faithful. Hebrews 10:23

Look to the LORD and HIS strength; seek HIS face always. Psalm 105:4

But I trust in YOUR unfailing love; my heart rejoices in YOUR salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for He has been good to me. Psalm 12:5-6

I have set the Lord always before me, because HE IS at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:8

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. Philippians 3:7-8

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through HIM who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13 (I am trying hard to live out being content in any and every situation...)

Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad. Proverbs 12:25 (I am trying hard to keep myself in HIS word so I don't get depressed by anything.)

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by PRAYER and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God, and the PEACE of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 (I am thankful that when I pray to God, and give Him my concerns, He gives me that peace that passes all understanding..)

Be merciful to me, Oh God, be merciful to me! For me soul TRUSTS in YOU; and in the shadow of YOUR wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by. Psalm 57:1

YOU number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle; are they not in Your book? Psalm 56:8 (I'm thankful that the Lord takes interest in every tear we cry..I sure have shed a lot of tears, but I glad that He cares about each one..)

In the day when I cried out, YOU answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul. Psalm 138:3 (I'm so thankful for His strength!)

The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble, those who know YOUR NAME will put their TRUST in YOU; For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You. Psalm 9:9-10 (The Lord is my refuge, and I'm so glad I have put my trust in Him..)

Hear my cry, O God; attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For You have been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in Your tabernacle forever; I will TRUST in the shelter of Your wings. Psalm 61:1-4 (These verses took the words right out of my mouth a few nights ago when I couldn't sleep, and it seemed like the enemy was trying to tear me down, but the Lord showed me this, and I am so glad that He does hear our prayers, and that He is our shelter.)

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. Psalm 34:17-18 (Isn't it awesome how the Lord is "NEAR to those who have a broken heart"? I definitely have a broken heart, but He is NEAR..)

Well...those are just some of the many verses God has shown me in the last few months, and I wanted to share them with you. I hope you are encouraged as I was (and am). Each one has a special meaning to me, and the Lord showed each one to me at the times when I needed it. I'm thankful that He is my best friend, and that He loves me and shows me His truth through His word...

~5 Months~

Five months ago today, my sweet, precious baby girl was born. It's so hard to believe..it just seems like last week. I feel like she should still be here..sometimes I just want to go see her at the hospital in hopes to bring her home soon..but I know that won't happen. Seems like a bad dream that I will be waking up from soon...but it's not a dream. It's real. She is gone. She won't return...but we will go to her. The past 5 months have been filled with lots of hurt,pain,sadness,loneliness (without her)and much grieving that we have had to deal with daily as it comes in waves and is different every time. The past 5 months have also been filled with lots of joy,excitement and blessings. It's been a roller coaster no doubt. We still miss Addison greatly, and we always will, but knowing that we will see her again gives me such great comfort. I know where she is, and I know the ONE who has her in HIS arms. I'm blessed to know that. The Lord continues to be faithful, and continues to show Himself worthy to be trusted. He is all I have to trust in, and that encourages me, and also greatly scares me. It scares me because putting my full trust in Him at all times is not easy to do...and not knowing what He might want me to do is scary.. Not knowing what He might have us endure next is frightening..but you know what? I know HE WILL be with us NO MATTER WHAT! That's comforting. I was reading through Job..and I feel so encouraged and overwhelmed by his story. The Lord was with him through all of that pain and heartache..and the same GOD that was with Job is with me. I am thankful to know that even in our darkest hour,day,weeks months or years..that HE alone will be faithful to walk along side us. I could write so much more, because my heart is very heavy, but I also know that it could take days to say what's on my heart. (Y'all don't want to read much more..and I don't want to type much more) So...with that...I will say, thank-you for your continued prayers and support. We love you, and appreciate so much your interest and care for us. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know who holds the future..and because of that I can rejoice in what He's going to do. Please continue to pray for us, and know that we will be hurting for a long time..but through your prayers and ultimately the Lord's help..we will get through this darkest time of our lives. We will see Addison again someday, and I can't wait for that day. For now..I am trusting in the God who is faithful...

~Memories of our Addison~

I'm so glad that we have the memories and pictures we have of our sweet Addison. It helps me to see some of her things to remind me of the short time we had with her, and how much we treasured every moment. She was our precious baby girl..and we miss her so much. I can't wait to see her again. I'm so thankful that we have the hope that we have. I wanted to share some of our memories of her that are really special to us...

Two of my favorite pairs of Addison's shoes

Her Jesus Loves Me blankie

Her cute little hand & foot mold

A mold of Addison's tiny little foot

A mold of Addison's tiny little hand

Addison's frame (sorry about the reflection of the bed in the picture)It hangs above her shelf of stuffed animals and books... It's precious.

4 Months Later....

It's so hard to believe that it's been 4 months since our baby girl was born, and then just a few short days later, went to be with Jesus. Sometimes it seems like it happened yesterday and other times it feels like forever being here with out her. The Lord continues to sustain Stephen and I, and we are so thankful for HIS blessings in our lives! Our latest blessing, is that we are expecting another bundle of joy sometime late March. We are thrilled! I only wish Addison was here to be the big sister to this baby and that they could grow up together, but I know that's not the Lord's plan for us. She is with Him and that brings my soul delight to know that I will see her again! We miss her terribly, and will never forget her impact in our lives. We look forward to this second blessing with hope, and joy, and we are just blessed by this miracle. So much has happened since Addison was here. It seems as if the world around us keeps on going, but sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the week of April 25th. The Lord has been gracious to me and my healing. He has shown me so many things, and I am grateful for the chance to grow even closer to my savior. It will always be different without Addison, but we look forward to the future when we will see her again..and she can show us around heaven. :) I could write so much more, but my heart is heavy..and I would stay here too long. In times like these..I just have to take the rest to the Lord.. He has continued to prove HIMSELF faithful to us by loving us, taking care of our needs and showing us the truth of HIS word! God is so good. I would like to share a very sweet poem that my incredible husband wrote for me just the other night. He truly shared his heart in this poem, and I asked him if it would be ok to post what he wrote. (He agreed) I am so blessed with such a Godly man who is there for me, and leads me! I love you Stephen!
Here is the poem:

"I Remember That Day"
Stephen Deason - August 25th,2010

I Remember that Day
Just like Yesterday
Pain…Exhaustion…Fear
For the two I held so dear

Heart Stopping…
Jaw Dropping…
No Words to say
Whatever time was that day

Time stood still
With only prayers to fill
The unexpected that day
Would make some turn away

But You, Oh Lord, are my rock
Shepard of the flock
Do not forget me on this day
Use me Lord I pray

I put my Trust in You
May I be among the few
Praising you
In all I do

Though Time stands still
Lord God, I submit to your will
In my weakness you are strong
In Your arms I belong

Thank you God for my wife
It was You who gave her life
You brought her back to me
Filling my life with glee

My daughter is in your hand
This was in your plan
Not till Heaven will I see
My daughter smiling back at me

Your praise I will forever sing
Putting me under your wing
Now my little girl in the arms of Christ is found
Fret not, I am Heaven bound

We are both so excited to know that we are heaven bound and that we will see the Lord face to face someday...
Thank you for your continued prayers and support!!! We really appreciate it!!! Lots of love to you all!

3 Months ago...

3 months ago on April 25th, 2010 around 10:45pm, I went into labor a week early and was not doing well from the time I entered the hospital. I was not able to handle the contractions well and couldn't breathe well, because Addison was in distress which caused my body to be distressed as well. I was put on Oxygen and was given an epidural,yet even still, my body was very much still writhing in pain, and I could not make myself relax and calm down. My body was very stressed and overwhelmed with a baby inside who was not doing well. My water broke right before the epidural, and to my horror, the fluid was a greenish/black which was meconium from Addison being in distress. I knew right away that it wasn't good, because it would most likely get into her lungs (as it often does to babies). The nurse informed me that this happens sometimes, and that they would treat Addison through my IV with an antibiotic that would help her, and that most likely she would be fine..but would need to be in the NICU for a few days. After the epidural, the Doctor informed me that Addison really was not doing well, and that he was going to need to do an emergency C-Section to get her out before she dies. Within 15 min. of him telling me that, they had prepped me and taken me back to the E.R where Stephen met me soon after, and they began to quickly deliver Addison. It was such a scary and exciting time, because I was being cut open while my baby girl was inside me in distress for reasons unknown and unexplainable At the same time..my heart was leaping and pounding, because the moment I had been waiting for 9 months was coming true..my baby girl was going to be here soon! I was scared to death, and felt like it had to be a bad dream when they pulled her out of me, and immediately started to resuscitate her. There she was on that table fighting for her life..and I was on the operating table completely helpless. It's a time in my life that I will NEVER forget. All of my hopes and dreams seemed like they were being crushed by a huge weight of sorrow. The doctor and nurses worked fast to close up the huge hole on my stomach, and before I knew it, we were on our way to the recovery room. I was in a room without my baby girl, and she was in the NICU fighting to stay alive, unable to hear her Mommy and Daddy's voice, and feel the love and closeness of being in our arms. She was in there struggling, fighting, and without us to be there and tell her we love her. The next few moments in that recovery room where almost that of a horrific nightmare that one could never imagine until it's happening right before you. The NICU nurses and Doctor came into the room while Stephen ,his mom, Rachel and Thomas were all in there with me, and the words they said were the most terrifying words I've ever heard. They told me that Addison was very, very sick, and that she not only had meconium in her lungs, but blood as well. They said that they had done everything they could to get as much of it out of her lungs as they could, but that she was very frail and that she would need to be sent over to the Cook Children's Hospital NICU, because of the technology and equipment they have, and because her situation was so bad, she would need to be treated there. They told us that they were going to prepare her for the trip over there, and that they would try their best to bring her in the room to let us see her before they had to leave, but they couldn't promise anything. I screamed and yelled in agonizing disbelief at what was happening. This was my baby girl..she was supposed to be fine, and be in MY ARMS!! WHY was God allowing this??? WHERE was HE??? All these things were racing through my head. The nurse seemed so insensitive to us, as we were all visibly upset and crying, and she didn't seem to slow down so we could catch our breath and understand. There just wasn't time for her to take much time in explaining everything, because Addison needed to get to the other hospital. They left the room in a very hurried way, and about 10 min. later they wheeled my baby girl in the room all enclosed in a clear box, and she was hooked up to a lot of cords. We couldn't touch her, but we could see her, and they briefly explained what everything was for, and then they had to leave. They took her away, and I felt helpless once again! It wasn't until 2 days later, that I was released from the hospital I was at, and I was able to make my way to Cook's where Addison was, and see her up close and touch her for the very first time. I will never forget that day, and how I felt when I saw my baby girl in that NICU with SO many things hooked up to her small body. She was 6 pounds, 6 ounces, 20 inches long, and was just beautiful. She had her Daddy’s nose and her Mommy’s toes, and she was ours, a beautiful, wonderfully made by God, blessing. It just took my breath away when I saw how sick she was, and how small and delicate she was. I couldn’t believe that someone so small was hooked up to so much equipment and yet…it couldn’t help her. Only the Lord could miraculously heal her. The Doctor and nurses that cared for our Addison were so wonderful to explain in detail what was going on with our baby. They helped us understand that she was very sick, and that she might not make it. I will never forget hearing the results of the brain test that they did on her multiple times. We met with the doctor, and she told us that in all the test that they had done, Addison showed absolutely no brain activity what so ever, and she didn’t have a gag reflex. This meant that our baby would not be able to pull out of it, and live. They told us that we would have to take her off life support 5 days after she was born, and we waited for my family to get in town, and on the 6th day of her short life, after everyone had held her, loved on her and prayed over her, we had to say goodbye. They all left the room and Stephen and I both got to hold her for a little bit, and then we both looked at each other and had a peace, and decided it was “time”. We told the doctor and nurses that we were ready to take her off life support, and they unplugged that machine and immediately I thought she was gone. She was not gone yet though, and I realized that after they led us to a room where we held her and loved her for 45 minutes while she breathed on her own. She was only taking very small, short breaths that were too far apart to keep her alive, and at 7:15 pm, she took her last breath and went to be with Jesus. Stephen and I both got to hold her before she died, and we told her we loved her dearly and that she didn’t have to fight anymore. We told her to go see Jesus, and that we would see her again someday, and that she would be safe with HIM. She went peacefully, and for that, I am grateful. I didn’t want to see her in pain. Burying our daughter was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I would not have been able to get through it without the Lord’s sustaining mercy. He has been with us through this most difficult time every step of the way, and continues to sustain us 3 months later. We are ever grateful for the things He has shown us during this time, and we are blessed to know that our sweet baby has changed the lives of many! God is good to us. He gave us Addison Lynn for 9 months and 6 days, but HE decided to take her home with Him and to that, we will say, “Blessed Be The NAME of The LORD.” The song below, “While I’m Waiting” by John Waller, has meant so much to me in the last several months, because I am trying to patiently wait for what the Lord has next. We don’t know what His plan is for us, and what the next step is, but we know HE holds our future. I rejoice in knowing that my Lord has taken care of me always, and during this darkest time of my life, He is STILL there for me. It’s still very hard, and there are days where I am short of breath because I miss her so much, but He has not failed to take care of me and get me through this. He is holding my hand all the way, and I am grateful for that. Lord, Jesus, may Addison’s story bless and encourage others who are struggling and may many come to know you in the years to come, because of our missionary baby who has touched the lives of many. Thank-you for giving her to us for a short time, and for taking such good care of her. We love you Jesus, and we want to continue to shine like You. Please help us as we continue to wait for YOU and what YOU have planned for us. Amen.
I know this was VERY long, but I wanted to share my heart with you and let you know more about my baby girl. With Love,
Ginny

This song is my prayer..
"While I'm Waiting"
-John Waller-
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

1 year

It's so hard to believe it's been 1 year since I married the love of my life, my best friend, Stephen Deason. I wanted to post this on our anniversary, 7-3-10 but I didn't have time, because we were celebrating the day! Now I would like to take some time to reflect on the past year. WOW! A lot has happened in 1 year! It seems like it's been 4 or 5 years since we got married just because so much was packed into the past year! God has been so good to us. He brought us together,and that was a huge blessing. I always wanted to grow up and marry the love of my life,and to know that he was "the one" after meeting him. God blessed me in that way, because after Stephen and I starting dating, I just knew he was the one for me,and that I would marry him some day. He is such an amazing husband,and I am blessed beyond measure with him! We have been through so much together,and I wouldn't trade this past year for anything. It's been awesome to grow closer to the Lord,and to each other over the past year. God has done great things for us. He has provided in so many ways,and we are grateful. We have been able to experience so many things together from joy,and excitement to the worst possible grief we could have never imagined. Throughout the past year we have learned so much about sacrificial love for the Lord and for each other. God has used the situations He put us in to strengthen our faith in Him. He allowed us to be the proud parents of Addison Lynn for 9 months and 6 days..and we grew so much closer to each other and to the Lord during my pregnancy. We have been very close for a long time,but when something like pregnancy comes into the relationship...it draws you closer to each other, because you rely on each other so much. Stephen has been such a huge help to me in the past year. He was such a good,strong support for me during my pregnancy with Addison,and he did whatever I needed him to do..no questions asked. He has been so faithful to always put my needs first..and to treat me like a Queen. He has shown a great sacrificial love to me over and over again..and I can never thank him enough for all that he has done for our little family. His love and encouragement has been such a blessing,and has helped me get through some of the hardest times. He has led me spiritually,and strives to be a Godly example for me,and I am grateful for that. Stephen is the absolute love of my life..and I don't know what I would do without him. I love him so much,and thank God for him everyday. I'm looking forward to many,many more years together..and can't wait to see what God has for us in the future. It's been a year since we were married,and God has done so much for us in that year..and then some. Stephen, I love you so much,and can never thank the Lord enough for putting you in my life. You are such a blessing. Thanks for all that you do for me,and for loving me the way you do. I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you. Love, Your wife

Here is a link to our wedding slide show. It brought back lots of good memories for me...(I think you will have to highlight it and copy it into the browser window. For some reason it's not working like a "link" where you can just click on it.)
http://www.poiemaphotography.com/stephenandginnywedding/