3 months ago on April 25th, 2010 around 10:45pm, I went into labor a week early and was not doing well from the time I entered the hospital. I was not able to handle the contractions well and couldn't breathe well, because Addison was in distress which caused my body to be distressed as well. I was put on Oxygen and was given an epidural,yet even still, my body was very much still writhing in pain, and I could not make myself relax and calm down. My body was very stressed and overwhelmed with a baby inside who was not doing well. My water broke right before the epidural, and to my horror, the fluid was a greenish/black which was meconium from Addison being in distress. I knew right away that it wasn't good, because it would most likely get into her lungs (as it often does to babies). The nurse informed me that this happens sometimes, and that they would treat Addison through my IV with an antibiotic that would help her, and that most likely she would be fine..but would need to be in the NICU for a few days. After the epidural, the Doctor informed me that Addison really was not doing well, and that he was going to need to do an emergency C-Section to get her out before she dies. Within 15 min. of him telling me that, they had prepped me and taken me back to the E.R where Stephen met me soon after, and they began to quickly deliver Addison. It was such a scary and exciting time, because I was being cut open while my baby girl was inside me in distress for reasons unknown and unexplainable At the same time..my heart was leaping and pounding, because the moment I had been waiting for 9 months was coming true..my baby girl was going to be here soon! I was scared to death, and felt like it had to be a bad dream when they pulled her out of me, and immediately started to resuscitate her. There she was on that table fighting for her life..and I was on the operating table completely helpless. It's a time in my life that I will NEVER forget. All of my hopes and dreams seemed like they were being crushed by a huge weight of sorrow. The doctor and nurses worked fast to close up the huge hole on my stomach, and before I knew it, we were on our way to the recovery room. I was in a room without my baby girl, and she was in the NICU fighting to stay alive, unable to hear her Mommy and Daddy's voice, and feel the love and closeness of being in our arms. She was in there struggling, fighting, and without us to be there and tell her we love her. The next few moments in that recovery room where almost that of a horrific nightmare that one could never imagine until it's happening right before you. The NICU nurses and Doctor came into the room while Stephen ,his mom, Rachel and Thomas were all in there with me, and the words they said were the most terrifying words I've ever heard. They told me that Addison was very, very sick, and that she not only had meconium in her lungs, but blood as well. They said that they had done everything they could to get as much of it out of her lungs as they could, but that she was very frail and that she would need to be sent over to the Cook Children's Hospital NICU, because of the technology and equipment they have, and because her situation was so bad, she would need to be treated there. They told us that they were going to prepare her for the trip over there, and that they would try their best to bring her in the room to let us see her before they had to leave, but they couldn't promise anything. I screamed and yelled in agonizing disbelief at what was happening. This was my baby girl..she was supposed to be fine, and be in MY ARMS!! WHY was God allowing this??? WHERE was HE??? All these things were racing through my head. The nurse seemed so insensitive to us, as we were all visibly upset and crying, and she didn't seem to slow down so we could catch our breath and understand. There just wasn't time for her to take much time in explaining everything, because Addison needed to get to the other hospital. They left the room in a very hurried way, and about 10 min. later they wheeled my baby girl in the room all enclosed in a clear box, and she was hooked up to a lot of cords. We couldn't touch her, but we could see her, and they briefly explained what everything was for, and then they had to leave. They took her away, and I felt helpless once again! It wasn't until 2 days later, that I was released from the hospital I was at, and I was able to make my way to Cook's where Addison was, and see her up close and touch her for the very first time. I will never forget that day, and how I felt when I saw my baby girl in that NICU with SO many things hooked up to her small body. She was 6 pounds, 6 ounces, 20 inches long, and was just beautiful. She had her Daddy’s nose and her Mommy’s toes, and she was ours, a beautiful, wonderfully made by God, blessing. It just took my breath away when I saw how sick she was, and how small and delicate she was. I couldn’t believe that someone so small was hooked up to so much equipment and yet…it couldn’t help her. Only the Lord could miraculously heal her. The Doctor and nurses that cared for our Addison were so wonderful to explain in detail what was going on with our baby. They helped us understand that she was very sick, and that she might not make it. I will never forget hearing the results of the brain test that they did on her multiple times. We met with the doctor, and she told us that in all the test that they had done, Addison showed absolutely no brain activity what so ever, and she didn’t have a gag reflex. This meant that our baby would not be able to pull out of it, and live. They told us that we would have to take her off life support 5 days after she was born, and we waited for my family to get in town, and on the 6th day of her short life, after everyone had held her, loved on her and prayed over her, we had to say goodbye. They all left the room and Stephen and I both got to hold her for a little bit, and then we both looked at each other and had a peace, and decided it was “time”. We told the doctor and nurses that we were ready to take her off life support, and they unplugged that machine and immediately I thought she was gone. She was not gone yet though, and I realized that after they led us to a room where we held her and loved her for 45 minutes while she breathed on her own. She was only taking very small, short breaths that were too far apart to keep her alive, and at 7:15 pm, she took her last breath and went to be with Jesus. Stephen and I both got to hold her before she died, and we told her we loved her dearly and that she didn’t have to fight anymore. We told her to go see Jesus, and that we would see her again someday, and that she would be safe with HIM. She went peacefully, and for that, I am grateful. I didn’t want to see her in pain. Burying our daughter was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I would not have been able to get through it without the Lord’s sustaining mercy. He has been with us through this most difficult time every step of the way, and continues to sustain us 3 months later. We are ever grateful for the things He has shown us during this time, and we are blessed to know that our sweet baby has changed the lives of many! God is good to us. He gave us Addison Lynn for 9 months and 6 days, but HE decided to take her home with Him and to that, we will say, “Blessed Be The NAME of The LORD.” The song below, “While I’m Waiting” by John Waller, has meant so much to me in the last several months, because I am trying to patiently wait for what the Lord has next. We don’t know what His plan is for us, and what the next step is, but we know HE holds our future. I rejoice in knowing that my Lord has taken care of me always, and during this darkest time of my life, He is STILL there for me. It’s still very hard, and there are days where I am short of breath because I miss her so much, but He has not failed to take care of me and get me through this. He is holding my hand all the way, and I am grateful for that. Lord, Jesus, may Addison’s story bless and encourage others who are struggling and may many come to know you in the years to come, because of our missionary baby who has touched the lives of many. Thank-you for giving her to us for a short time, and for taking such good care of her. We love you Jesus, and we want to continue to shine like You. Please help us as we continue to wait for YOU and what YOU have planned for us. Amen.
I know this was VERY long, but I wanted to share my heart with you and let you know more about my baby girl. With Love,
Ginny
This song is my prayer..
"While I'm Waiting"
-John Waller-
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
